By Jlor jlorenz@saber.net
Date: 17 August 1999
You've Got Male: An Idiot's Romance
Latest journal entry into an idiot's diary:
I learned a hard lesson in these last two days. I met a lady on the internet whom I thought to be the sweetest, most patient person I'd ever talked to. I hadn't heeded the lesson of the movie "You've Got Mail" : i.e. that what you see on the computer screen is not always what you get in person. Nevertheless, she and I had talked, exchanged loving words (I more vehement than she, it is true; I was so starved for love (silly me) that when a possible romance came along I thought I was in love.
I take a lot of the blame, because I know I pushed too hard and tried to tell her I loved her. She knew better, but didn't stop me or tell me this couldn't be the case yet. The reason I thought I was in love was that during that time we had both done a lot of emotional giving and taking. She professed at first interest in me, and when told her I thought I was falling in love, she became more and more romantic too, though she never said outright that she loved me, but neither did she correct my foolishness and tell me that true love could not come so soon with someone whom I had never seen. I know I should have known it, but I think she could have helped me see it. The problem was, she, like me, is getting older, and she's starved for love too. I now think she just wanted to see if I was worth a try before she sent me packing.. So, she never did turn me down, but she would not commit herself either. I was stupid and let her hedge her bets while I went full steam ahead.
After heated interchanges, we decided to meet. And YESTERDAY, THE BIG DAY CAME. I traveled to her home town,which was a long distance from mine, and I spent a lot of money, time and energy to get there.I did it because for two weeks she had told me that now that we'd be going together, we would need to be introduced to each others' families and she kept asking me, insistently when I could come to her place to meet hers first. I agreed to at any time and
we agreed on a date, Then in the heat of a foolish moment of exchanging email, she and I both impulsively decided that I should come down right away, before I met her family and that we two should meet just by ourselves. Of course,
Gomer Pyle, here, hastily packed and got in his car and drove all night to get there. I almost ruined my my automobile, and a chunk of my bank account to do it. When I arrived, she saw that neither she nor I were physically very beautiful and our bodies less than the stuff of models. But I always thought that for me, I love the person, not primarily their outward beauty. She had
told me that was her belief too. We had both warned the other of our imperfections, but
Well, here's how it all turned out: After having these couple months of
exchanging letters and both saying we were dying to meet each other, the sad fact is, that when I finally put out and went there-- and she got to see me--she WASN'T IMPRESSED ENOUGH with either my physique or my bank account, yet she still gave me no hint she was changing her mind. Who knows, maybe she was afraid to hurt my feelings to my face. I can understand that, but I had no idea she wasn't ready for our romance. After all, she was not physically beautiful
either. So, from the moment I departed from meeeting her in her town to go home, til the time I walked in my door, stupid idiot that I was: I thought I had a chance. I thought she had given me to understand that if I'd be patient and let her have some time, we could make the relationship work. Even that amount of being non-committal should have been my cue that it was over. I've been there before: In simple English "I need more time" and "I'm not ready for commitment" always translate to "hit the road Jack." I was still blinded by what I thought was love. I would have genuinely given it a chance because
she encourage me to think we could. But what did she do? I came home after 8 hours on the road, got online to read my email, and I found the following message from her waiting for me: "I don't mean to send you a 'Dear John' letter, but dear John , don't be upset with me for saying this. After thinking it over, I don't think I'm ready to make a commitment. We've been going too fast and I'm not sure when I will be ready to make our relationship work"
I wanted to cry and get angry at the same time. Those words confirmed my worst fears. My intuition had been correct: her coldness and lack of emotion had been signs of my idiotic one-sided love affair. My side was the blind side. I had been foolish to put so much of my heart into an internet acquaintance, still personally unknown to me.I have now learned that lesson. Nevertheless, it still hurts. I wrote her back a few minutes ago and replied, , "What is this? Home Shopping Network? What do you do? Try out the merchandise and send it back within 30 days if you don't like it? Couldn't you have told me this before I sacrificed so much, after all our letters our plans and your saying you couldn't wait to meet me? Couldn't you have saved me the trip? The money? The heartache? I could have stood the unrequited love if you had helped me nip it in the bud before my heart opened to you and sprang to life. I know I opened too soon, and that my passion influenced you to be tempted to indulge your curiosity and your long dormant lust for a man. But couldn't you have been kinder to me and told me not to come? Or that I was wrong to think I was in love so soon? I should have known it without you telling me, I know. My dried up heart was desperate for real love. I was foolish and blind enough to think I loved you and I DID THINK SO. I wasn't trying to bring in any deceit. Couldn't you have made a sacrifice of your selfishness long enough to not lure me to the town where live in? Enough not to coldbloodedly see if I was tempting enough for you to have sex with? Enough to not let me do all that work?I was honestly ready to give it a chance to become mutual love or else mutually agree to part company or just stay friends. At least we could have decided together, and I might have cried but could have learned from it. How can I be such a child at this age of mine? I guess feelings for you are just a stepping stone...But I sincerely thought I felt love for you and wanted to work on it because you told me I could. I know it wasn't just lust .
Of course, now, because I am a male, I'm sure you, being a woman are innocent and you'll tell everyone that our relationship failed because all I
wanted out of it was to get you into the sack. You know that's not true. My question to us both of us: Who led who on?
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