By Misti Velvet Rainwater
Date: 24 March 2000

Serendipity Doo Dah

for many fucked up swollen eyes drunken lies mad disguise
surprise vacant years
          I looked for LOVE
limping and ravaged and humble
       stumblin' blind, you realize
a freak show without a circus
the purpose was vague
all I knew was that I had to wake up inside a poem
or a Beach Boys song
or a diner
on Route 66
I had to get there from Hell
in my bare feet
and tattered rags
sooty on the surface
but dewy and radiant
like an orchid
on the inside
...pride was the first thing I pitched to the side of the road
my load was heavy enough
memories
paranoia
doubt
jealousy
        (stuff like that)
I never sat down to rest
I wasn't blessed with the luxury of time
I kept walking, see
rain poured down
I walked
thunder roared
I walked
creatures growled and howled all around
but my heartbeat was the only sound worth focusing on
(I walked)
you would think
Bless her sweet heart!
Surely she finally stumbled upon some kind of kindness
from some kind of stranger
but, no
that would be a Hans Christian Andersen story
that would not be any kind of life that I knew anything about
the route was hard, see
and long, see
and all I found was more hunger
and more doubt
and more reason to sedate the demons
and stuff the cotton down my throat

I wrote angry poems
I wrote love letters
and chewed them up and spit them out
I tried on different dresses
and advertised myself to people who weren't shopping

I lost things and looked for them in the dark
I went to the park and pretended to care about feeding the ducks
I wrote Love Sucks on various walls
and bathroom stalls
and made long distance phone calls
to the Devil
"Just checkin' in, bro."
"I know," the Devil said with a I-Could-Give-a-Shit-Less yawn.

I bought lawn ornaments for protection.
I checked my reflection in the mirror and said
I'm Still Here, and I'm Visible! I SEE ME!!!
I EXIST!!!
HOT DAMN!!!
(i was beginning to wonder)

then one day I stopped the madness
I just stopped
stopped the parade
stopped the search
stopped eating those jelly donuts
stopped peering toward the horizon
stopped dancing on fire
to see what would happen
STOPPED.

I bathed in cool, deep water.
I washed it all away.
I went to sleep for 22 days.
I woke up humming a Beach Boys song.
(it's always the Beach Boys! God Bless Brian Wilson!)

and guess what?
IT found ME!!!
like that
like nothin'
like somethin' I'd read about in Archie comics
or seen on late night TV back in '75
it CAME to ME
and called me GOOD names
and invited me to DANCE
and so I said...Yes.
I believe I'll have some of that.
I've been looking for it and that didn't work.
So I trust that this is the right way and the only way...
Serendipity Fuckin' Doo Dah!!
(this I can handle)
...and today, for the record
I opened my dresser drawer
and there IT was
the blue vibrator
I thought
I had lost!!!
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