By IFellApart
Date: 6 March 2000
Words..Untitled
okay so here's my rant that you don't want to hear..
i love you so much
and i know you don't have those feelings for me or if you ever did or anything that amounts to that
but i can't do anything without thinking about you
i can't sleep
i feel cold and i don't know why
i'm so completely confused because
nothing compares to you i guess
and it hurts that i love you so much and you don't love me back
it overwhelms me to the point of nothingness
like you made everything i had in myself go away because i risked so much to want to be with you
and now there's nothing..i don't know if it's because you're so much like me or just because it's you...
it's like everything good inside me somehow seemed to correlate back to you for that short time and now i have nothing to associate myself with
i'm so hopelessly flawed but when you looked into my eyes that very first instant i saw you standing there waiting for me
i thought that for once in my life i'd finally found someone to wait for me in whatever sense the word "wait" could mean
When you walked up and grabbed me in one of your hugs....where you stiffen your arms and sorta hold something really tight..
everything was drowned to a small hum but the warmth of you holding me
and now i just go through my days hoping i'll find something like that again
comparing every guy i meet to you
does his face light up the way yours did when you smiled
does his eyes have the same look in them as yours did when you looked at me.
does his hands fit perfectly with mine and does his hair do that funny curl thing when he wakes up in the morning or will he raise his eyebrows when i give him one of my looks or say somethign off the wall
my head is so polluted with all these thoughts going at warp speed Such as..
will i ever be able to share some stupid little word with someone and have it mean so much
will i ever be able to connect with someone so much as to say the same things at the same time or complete their sentences..
i truely thought that your promises were for real
that when you said you loved me you meant it and you wouldn't leave me
because you promised
and i knew you
i thought i knew you more than you knew yourself
because you are me in an odd sense and i thought i'd failed myself enough for this lifetime..surely i was meant to have one good thing happen to me
i stupidly thought that one good thing was you
and now i sit here in tears because i have the final realization that nothing is ever real
and anything i ever encounter that resembles real...or love..will always fade away
once again i've disappointed myself
i dont' know what i did wrong but i wanted you too much and too long and completely messed everythign up in the end.
You said you weren't yourself then ...
does that mean that everythign you said to me wasn't you at all..
all i know is i keep finding myself engaged in a kiss that will never amount to yours
i will never be able to have someone rip me apart and put me together all at the same time just by kissing me
it seemed like a lifetime had passed and i never wanted to not be kissing you
For instance just imagine being granted one chance to freeze an emotional moment at that given second
the height of perfection
that's what i felt with you
like every solitary instant was perfect
that nothing would ever surpass that
and now i'm alone and empty and most of all in a state of disrepair
i'm broken
and i can't fix it anymore
because i can't have you and i can't make you go away and i can't make my love for you go away no matter how hard i try
i push it back and then one single thing i hear or see will remind me of you
and in my mind i'll whisper
" I miss him"
I guess i should just let everything go
let you have your life and me try to rediscover what small part i may have left
but if ever there was a moment i regret in my life it was being with you
if i'd never experienced love like that
i wouldnt' be this way
and i wouldn't be so completely miserable
I now look at people and wonder if they've had that moment
if they've just looked at someone and "known"
and i cant' do anything in the end
in the end it's just me
being in love with you
and wanting to crush you at the same time
but knowing i can't because i'm your friend
and i do love you
more than anything and i know if i hurt you i'd hate myself
and things will never be the same for me
and i don't know if i've ever been loved
because if you didn't love me and if i am wrong
then nothing in this world is real
i wish everythign would just fade
and all that would be left is you and me
maybe then you'd have no choice
and it would be me you missed
and me you loved
I wish i could look you in the eye and tell you every thought that flutters through my head
because i know you'd listen and really hear me
but then again i don't think i could handle that
knowing that at the same time you have thoughts of someone else running through your head
i wanted to take you for granted so badly
but all that really happened was i fell apart in the end
i can't even listen to certain songs because they're yours
everythign is yours
i forget what is mine anymore
the line between loving you and hating you is so blurred because i love you so much
and i see things you're doing and i know that i could love you so much more and take care of you
that's all i ever wanted
your happiness
and i guess being me i should say that if being with someone else makes you happy then that's what i want
but it's not..i wanted you to be in love with me
you told me " i didnt' fall in love with you i can't fall out...its' much deeper than that"
but that's not true
i wish you had fallen
that way maybe you could have the chance to fall out
i guess i'm once again left holding onto something that was never there
like being in the most beautiful field with flowers and the bluest sky above you and then you realize you're really locked in a padded room and it's all just a damn figment of your imagination
so what if the flowers have thorns huh?
So this is the last time i ever say this
even though it will never go away no matter how hard i keep trying
i love you
i only wish you loved me back.
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