By sarah iristakeroot@juno.com
Date: 3 November 2000

i'm just beginning

i wish when i was in my mother's womb there would of been given to me, some knowledge of the cruelty of man.  Not in the terms of harsh brutality, or vulgarities of condescension.  I mean in the terms of coldness, in the way a person can detach themselves from life and create an alternative reality to the way things might actualy be.  Not that i have a clear understanding on this, but i'm beginning to learn that people don't mind who they step on, and people don't mind if they break someones heart, as long as their ends, justify their means.  I never understood how a person could live with a cool detachmant to their own life, or to the emotions of another person.  What fantastical reality they must have, that they live in a world where they can hurt people and still manage a cruel ironical twisting smile.  Maybe even sometimes laugh, at someone else's seeming misfortune.  What is it to live without giving your everything, what is it to live while placing yourself apart and never getting involved.  I want to know this, because maybe then things would stop hurting.  If i lived like this would i also be succesful and would i also have a place in this world??? or am i doomed to live with this heart embossed on my forehead for all to see and somehow shoot their pointy arrows at.  Newton's apple is not on my forehead!!!  Even though right now it seems otherwise.  I don't want to live with detachment, i don't want to live my life guarded against people who are going to hurt me, and i don't want to live without curiosity.  Why is that the older people that i talk to say that as you get older you lose your curiosity, that as you get older you learn that who you are when your younger has nothing to do with who you are when your older.  So i'm not going to love wholeheartedly??? Why is it so wrong to have the optimism of youth.  Why is it wrong to want to conquer the world at some point, maybe you know you won't but at least you tried!  Why is it wrong to want to be happy in your life, instead of having a 9 to 5 job that rules what you say and when you say it.  Why is it wrong to want to love with your whole heart without thinking that it might get broken in the end.  I don't want to live for my broken hearts.  I don't want to live for those who step on my toes, and i don't want to live for those people who haven't realized there is much more to this life then the feebleness that we surround ourselves in.  There is passion in this life, there is lust, there is undiluted joy!  Yet why, as the older i get, it seems when i have that, people want to snuff that out.  So i'm going to shed tears, as i am now, and i'm going to yell at the top of my lungs in my car.  But i will not give up, i am not giving in.  To all you cold hearted bastards, i'm living this life and i'm curious and i'm loving and i'm not giving into the cold hearted detachment that you crave for me to have.  Watch me, i'm just beginning.
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