By Tanqueray Cowboy
Date: 30 January 2000

Anatomy of a Crush - Part 1

Monday, January 10th, 2000
1:23 A.M.


C,

I just got back from your place.  I had a lot to think about on the way back.
I don’t know that I’ll ever show this letter to you but I just had to get my thoughts on paper.

Tonight you told me about J.  It seems to have upset you.
I’m sorry that you’re hurting.

I was struck by something, though...
something more personal to me than the obvious absurdity of the situation.  

You told me that J said you were perfect for him -- that you were everything he
wanted in a woman.

I’m angry that he said that.  He stole my thunder.  I’ve been upstaged.

You see, I’ve wanted to tell you that for a long time.

Recently, I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking.
Lots of thinking about lots of things.  I’ve been taking inventory of what
shapes what I do and think and feel.  And I’ve come to realize this: that I’ve
grown to care about you more than perhaps I should, and more than I think you’d
like me to.  You’ve always been very careful with me.  Either by accident or
design, consciously or not, you make it clear when I’m getting too close.

I don’t want to burden you.  It’s selfish of me to tell you this.  I’m risking
our friendship to get this dirty little secret of my chest...

But I once knew a woman very much like you... kind, smart, talented and
beautiful.  Because I was young and stupid I let her get away without ever
telling her how I REALLY felt.  That’s one of the few things in my life that I
truly regret.

I was completely -- totally and utterly -- convinced that I’d never meet anyone
like her again.  Then I got to know you.  Now, I can’t bare the thought of
living out my life without at least telling you how I feel.
 
If I don’t match your list, I understand. 

If you can honestly say to me, and to yourself, that all that you feel --
and all that you’ve ever felt -- for me is friendship, I understand.

I just want you to know that I care for you... that the crush a man felt for a
beautiful woman and the love that later grew between two friends have,
together, become something broader and deeper for me.

I can’t hit on you.  I can’t ask you to try dating a friend “just one more
time.”  I can’t ask you to trust me, even though you can.
I know that trust isn’t a limitless commodity.

I know there’s a chance that now everything between us may be suspect, yet I
hope you’ll continue to value our friendship and that you will continue your
gentle but firm guidance of our relationship.

Just know this: I am a constant -- or as constant as a man can ever be --
and I’m here for you.  Always as a friend and more should you ever wish it.



“For your love of truth, and therefore everything.”