By the guppy
Date: 23 January 2000

aggregate

i'm shaking off dust
wondering if what i do is what i must
or is it a choice?
does my voice hold some power?
would it shake you from sleep if i called at this hour?
would it make your head ache?
maybe rake you into a pile
and scatter you to the wind
would it be fair to be friends?
do i care?
maybe i should pretend
that i'm better than i am
it might feed the need, but it wouldn't fit the plan
maybe i should just dial
fake some composure and copy some style
take some giant leap forward into the past
when my class was my own
and nothing was known about fear
before i ever called anyone "dear"
or "darling" or "doll" or "devil"
it'll never be that simple again
not now, not in ten or twenty years
when i'm darker than this
and christmas time is rolling near
i just might still be thinking i heard a reindeer
and wondering why it flew on by
i'll still be thinking that something i did
affected all of it
it's how you get when you're afraid to move
and all the proof you need is closer than it appears
in the backwards window of your rear-view mirror
it's all silly
really
paralyzed because someone's sparkling eyes
happened to turn you to stone
and you shake yourself from that just in time to find out
alone is a state of mind, and it's not always fun
no matter what desert isle you find yourself washed up upon
chances are there's not going to be a movie star
and your options are
get off
or get on with it
and you pick one that suits your mood
rummage around for food
make some repairs
invent yourself an escape plan
and paddle off into the distant blue
hoping the horizon peeks her pretty face out at you
before it's too late
i can still relate to everyone who's sharing a hot fudge sundae
with a significant other at a favorite place with a favorite song
in the background
and everything around is so perfect
i know how that all feels
that was me not all that long ago
i could still try out for that role and nail it to a t
get all the lines right
i get the feeling that i might think i'm part of another popular sitcom
and be jumpy because of the punchlines
they're only punchlines if you don't see them coming
and they aren't all that funny if they hit you square in the heart
or a cheap shot uppercut to the glass jaw you just told someone never to take
you might be able to fake a smile
and take it like a sport
after awhile it kicks in
and you begin to let it do what it must while the cameras are off
you probably return to the set with trust issues
and self help books piled up by your bedside
watching with wondering eyes as the tides rolls up the beach
day after day
you know you have something to say
i know you have something to say
it's a good story
any caveman worth his club would've carved it in a cave
i know i have something to say
would it do any good?
would you be thinking that i'm self-rightgeous
as i explain that the night just gets me down?
and i guess the need to hear your voice
makes it pretty clear that it's not a choice
if it was, i'd have chosen something easier