By the guppy
Date: 9 December 1999

excerpt

it isn't really love that hurts
not at all
love is the best thing in this world
it doesn't hurt to love someone
it doesn't really hurt to care about someone
or to want the best for someone
to want them to be happy
it's just all those other things that hurt
when it turns out that their happiness doesn't include you
at least not the way you want to be included
when what's best for them isn't you, at least from their point of view
when they want somebody else to care for them
and you're just left feeling like your care isn't good enough
like your love isn't good enough
or that it means less than somebody else's
or means nothing
and you kinda feel like you screwed up somehow
like at some point you did something completely idiotic
and you search and search for answers
try and try for solutions
and ask yourself "what did i do wrong?"
externally and internally
the external reply is usually "you did nothing wrong, it's nothing you did"
and the internal reply to that is "yeah, right...then it must be who i am"
and you doubt yourself
and wonder
"what if..."
"if i could only..."
"maybe if..."
"if things change..."
"if things were different..."
"if i could go back in time..."
no answers come though
they can't
"for every complex problem, there is a simple, wrong answer"
all you know at that point is that you hurt
and that is dealt with either by facing it, or running from it
usually a bit of both
mix in some anger and lonliness
toss in some repetitive conversations with yourself
some bitterness
some freaked out trust issues and fear
some hopeless confusion type stuff
some time stirring yourself around in that stew of thought
and some just downright painful missing of the person you hold so dear
empty moments and spaces that were previously filled
events that just make you feel sick inside because they no longer feel the same
experiences you have when you think:  "she would love this","he would love this"
conversations filled with a name whom everyone else thinks is past tense
whom everyone else thinks you can do better than
you're better off without
you don't need
but you feel you do
happiness seems an unbearably fake, made up word...foreign to your ears
happiness has a face, a name, a laugh, eyes, a smile, scent, quirk
that you know, and just can't forget
not for a second
and you have to pull yourself out of some situations for composure breaks
romantic comedies make you angry
happy endings make you cringe
and think
restless and wanting badly just to be calm
wanting peace of mind
and heart
avoiding thoughts of the other half of your world because they just hurt
avoiding them when you can
numbing them when avoidance is futile
crying
loving someone doesn't hurt
not at all
missing them does
and feeling down on yourself does
feeling not quite good enough does
not feeling important anymore does
it is a time for you to tend to you
to heal you
to grow
and others are always out there to help
it is a time to prove who you are deep down
you will find yourself
you will respect the power people have, even the harmless ones
happiness is what you get when you appreciate
love is what you get when you care

appreciate and care
the world is yours