By Alexander Newfield
Date: 20 June 2000

Buy Me a Drink

I'm sitting at the bar. Another Wednesday night yawns before me. This is how I fill my hours.
      "Need another one?" my friend the bartender asks, glancing at my glass of melting ice cubes.
      "Sure do. Make it a double."
I hate the song that is playing on the jukebox. "Sweet Home Alabama." Reminds me of Hell's Angels...red bandanas...Levi cut-offs...girls who flash their tits at Willie Nelson concerts.
      I light another cigarette and glance at the TV. It's "Jerry Springer" on mute. Two trashy looking women are fighting over some sleazy looking guy. Surprise, surprise.
      "Buy me a drink and I'll whisper sweet things in your ear."
Oh lord. It's a girl. And she is hitting on me. She looks good enough to eat but I'm not really hungry.
      "If you whispered I couldn't hear you," I tell her. That should scare her off. No such luck.
      "Then I won't whisper."
  She sits down beside me. Tony hands me my Wild Turkey and glances at my new friend.
      "What can I get you?" he asks her.
      "Bloody Mary," she says.
She looks at me and smiles. I take a sip of whiskey.
      "So...what's your name?" she asks.
      "Ted Bundy. Want to go for a drive?"
      "Ha ha. Are you trying to scare me off?"
      "Yes. Isn't that awfully perverse of me? I mean, here you are, Bathsheba
incarnate, and you're basically throwing yourself at me...and I'm not nibbling at your hook! I should be shot and put outta my misery."
      "Oh, I forgive you. You're drunk and miserable. I'm sure there's a woman to blame. And she's probably blonde. Let me guess...her name is Tiffany and she left you for some rich guy named John or Travis."
      "Wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong. Couldn't be wronger, sweetheart. Let me guess...you're Traci, right? And you take your clothes off for a living. And you drive a corvette. And those are your real nails and those are absolutely your real breasts."
       She looks like she's just been slapped. I pay for her Bloody Mary and walk away. Play "Hard Candy Christmas" on the jukebox. Go outside and take a piss in the empty parking lot. The stars are really spectacular tonight. Looking at the stars you would think there were more possibilities and more second chances.
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