With eyes shut...I simply place the pen on the paper

By Eric, thenuttman@aol.com
Date: 17 June 2000

With eyes shut...I simply place the pen on the paper

it seems as simple as changing but what is change? a transformation from one state to another if a small worm can become a flying piece of art why can my depression not become art as well? if i spray paint and splatter my love mangled heart on a mural would anyone pay to see the display of ragged emotions? if i cut out my very soul, impossible as it may be and put it inside of a glass case with flies would anyone recognize the symbolism? if i would sell my soul to the highest bidder and relinquish any possibility whatsoever to know love again would I survive? change is difficult to explain in this way you either frighten your reader or yourself with the brutal honesty of how delicate change can be on one side of the equation, you have "same" which requires little to no effort and allows you to continue at a solemn pace on the other hand, you have "different" just then your thesaurus-like mind kicks in..."freak", "fool" and that is just the F's what happens when you allow the different to make a difference? how does anyone actually know? if i love you, regardless of who you are regardless of your origin, your background... if i truly love you, and I change my entire life to focus on you, does that make me a fool? if i truly love you, and I don't change my life to focus on you and i lose you am I then truly a fool? add in to the equation the simple matter that you are in a relationship already married with children, and still my age... "so young, it all happened so fast" they would say, I can hear them does it even matter that I love your daughter too? I dont know what the idea of going on beyond this point is without you for the mere reason that beyond this point is "the future" i can't see the future very well, at least not as well as I can the past hind-sight is 20/20? in my case it's 20/1... I can see the snakes in the grass before they're even old enough to slither But, of course it's too late...why would it be any different? My luck with women has always been the short end of a broken stick anyway Why change now...Should I be naive and think, this time it'll be different everyone says, "go out, meet people"....does anyone realize the difficulty does anyone else see that as being hard to do? those who are already with their "true love" look at going out and think, "this is easy, I can do this all the time" i look at it and think, i could possibly discourage 50 possible dates by making a fool out of myself tonight...am I alone in this? I know that not meeting new people at an elevated rate is as foolish as actually going through with the 1000s of meets and greets... they're always so formal, so polite...no one truly says what they mean... no one ever blurts out, "you're hideous, never speak to me again" "HOW RUDE!!!" they would all think...how inconsiderate of you to even write these words on paper thinking that no one will see them am i becoming too much of a nag? am i becoming too much of a whiner? possibly I've gotten to the point of being a rambler... I do talk out of control and even though it mostly all deals with love, it's hard to place a solid finger on the exact thought that started this whole thing... maybe it was you...I would almost have to be very sure in saying that it was but let me think, where would i be, right now, this very moment, if we had never met...never even said hello, once... I wouldn't have this pent up inside me, that's for sure I wouldn't have this fire inside my chest for you, that's certain I wouldn't want to build a relationship with you...one of the forever kind, that's true... but...marriage is so final...and she is...and i'm not divorce is always possible, but THINK MAN! have you not seen what happens to the children...remember she does have one... WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? NEVER TALK TO HER AGAIN? NEVER EXPECT TO SEE ANYTHING COME OF THIS?...AM I SUPPOSED TO DREAM, HAVE MY CAKE AND STARE AT IT... if i lick the icing, is that eating it? or is that just tasting ...gather information? I wonder what the stipulations on that rule would be... possibly a mere infraction on the rules, perhaps... what if i quickly shoved my hand into the cake and took out as much as i could, almost as if i had wrapped my loveless hands around the heart of the cake, and ripped it out as if it were but a gnat to my Mac truck... if i actually would follow through and swallow the pilfered piece of fluff, would I be in denial then about how I had "come so far, yet taken more steps backwards in the process? if i close my eyes without watching to be sure that what i type isn't becoming an instant hit with the in crowd...is that a bad idea? do you really think anyone will make it all the way through this entire dialogue without realizing that its relevance to the world and the word LOVE is little...because, obviously we know nothing about that word...you and I, my friend, you and I are losers we know nothing about love, if we knew love, we'd have shaken her hand by now... she would have slapped us in the face and called us insane with love because, quite simply....love is to the world what gasoline is to a car... needed but costly the year is 2020...and all has fallen prey to the most common disease...apathy of the soul... a frenzy of war-torn scavengers fall into a land that becomes something special....a modern day Romeo and Juliet...but with puppets, mops on sticks shoved into mud-holes with torn wash cloths tied around them as floppy arms...these are the days of our lives... the dust through the damn hour glass has stopped, who keeps turning that stupid thing upside down again, because, i believe it needs to stop...we've become addicted to the nonsense the plots the stories the characters the quarrels the climax the sex scenes is that all we are? addicts to pop culture? addicts to insanity and the most elaborate explosion....even our treasured films...even our most prized music and pieces of literature and art...all had an original vision, an original desire to take the human mind...throw it up against a brick wall, crack it open for a split second, and for that split second, let a small portion of light trickle through the small hole... back to the subject of love... to sum it up... it's difficult to understand from the limited amount of time I've been able to observe it...but, I keep in mind, it's just a word, the feeling is all that counts...

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