I fell in love with a girl...

By Eric, thenuttman@aol.com
Date: 23 June 2000

I fell in love with a girl...

and just like that you were gone a conflict of interests a conflict of religion a depressant that causes writers block to set in quicker than expected you were an aphrodesiac... a narcotic... a caffinated beverage on a Monday morning... you woke me up and slapped me in the face and told me the meaning of life and then dropped me to my knees... wide eyed confused what were the odds that you would turn out to be so much different, and yet so much the same yet, all the previous ones seemingly were loving and warm, but stabbed me in the back... you on the other hand, did do your own cuttlery work, but you did yours facing me...directly in the line of fire i watched as you cut down every belief, every fear, every desire and want that i held within me you literally told me that you hated my God, to my face and then expected me to understand and not become slightly aggrivated but oddly enough, through all of the word slinging, i managed to suck up all of my doubts and fears and pride and anger...i pushed them all inside and I said what i knew you did not want to hear.... I still love you. that seemingly set you off on a torrent of painful slurs and slanders that cut through me like a knife...a jagged, rusted knife with a dull blade you knew the words that would hurt the most, and so did I... you threw things at me that most people would have run from and i caught them with soft hands and held them as a child and politely asked you why you would say such a thing to the one you love by the end of the conversation you had deep regret...and I had none, except to have fallen for a wonder such as yourself... what could possibly be the reason behind me meeting and falling for you? could it be all of the poetry that i've written that has caused such a commotion within the blender? could it be all the feelings that i have, that i'll obviously learn from... could it be that when you threatened my life you meant it, and I am going to die...from one of your minions...one of your followers? Am i going to be a sacrifice for simply loving you? how is that right? you said you loved me too...you said you felt like running away with me and now, entering forbidden lands of relationships, you tell me that you worship Satan? you are the devil incarnate and you want me to come with you to your Hell... does anyone else see the similarities between this relationship and ... ok, so there are no direct similies...this is a true first...I fell for Satan, dressed as a woman, who convinced me that she loved me and she wanted to be with me... i know this isn't a poem, but she did threaten my life and I wanted to clearly document that between the hours of 12 PM and 2 AM of the lazy month of June on the 23rd, i was told to "watch my back" by a woman i obviously hardly know... i'm sure that for a while i'll be afraid to tell anyone exactly who she is, for fear that she may have been teasing and when we talk again, she'll act as if she loves me again and then we'll someday actually be hand in hand along the street and someone will pass and say, "hey, didn't you say one time that she was psycho and wanted to kill you?". perhaps that might happen, but hopefully not i don't know what to do, my mind is ...or should be racing...but i think it stopped, it stoppped processing because it is afraid that when it processes all of this new found information it will collapse under the pressure of losing , yet again i don't want to lose again...i want to win once i want to win someone's heart and make them love me forever and ever and ever not any of this bullshit where i love and love and love and get stabbed hundreds of times in the back, in the front...in the side...i'm gushing with cuts and bruises...not all of the women have directly hit me, so some of them only left minor bruises.... yet, i do my best to be the nice guy, and this is where it gets me...and the losing end of a horrific satanic ritualized sacrifice....now i don't know what you think, but that is possibly the worst ending for a "nice guy" nice guys finish last? well...in my case...I think I finished first, just at the wrong race... "Ladies and Gents welcome to the race to find the most amazingly mind warped individual and fall in love and get killed is about to begin...AND THEY'RE OFF!!!" Shit...I don't even mean to write these words, i don't even wnat to push send it this time, becuase lord knows the comments i'll get...."holy shit, man, some chick wants to kill you, that must suck"..."are you going to contact the police?" hell no....i'm not afraid to die...i'm afraid to live, i'm afraid to live like this where i love and love and get shit on why is it that after a severe realization like this one, i use the word "shit" more than usual? could it be because i really do have a lot of bad things kept inside me and they do find their way out eventually, they just come out at different times? .... sorry for that delay, i had to "check my back" someone i don't know might be there wanting to kill me for a reason that neither of us knows...but obviously they want to let's ponder this, shall we...what would death really be like? a slow agonizing death, or speedy and fast...one way or another, supposedly a bright white light will appear, and then I'll either be (according to MY religion, of course), A: Heaven or B: Hell.....so, if she had her way, i'd die and go to hell...because...her master is there or something...but if i had my way, i'd die and go to Heaven and see my dad and my grandma and grandpa...all of the people i've loved and lost...they'd all come out and give me a hug, me in my trimmed, cut, jaw lined, perfect hair...i'd be perfect, just my soul... everything would be great...i'd go fishing with my dad...and like it in Heaven cause i'd actually catch something...instead of getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, like here on Earth... man, you know what i just realized....let's go a bit further and say she or ..one of her people, kills me tomorrow..or anywhere before the next few months...I won't get to legally drink beer... now i know that's not a big deal ...considering the fact that i've drank before, but it's the feeling of sitting at a table in the Boston Beanery or a fancy restaraunt of any kind and saying, I'd like a beer. Not to drink, i just want you to card me please...SEE I AM 21...TOLD YA!!! HAHA GET ME A BEER! i think that would be just...exquisit you know, there are so many people that i wish i could talk to...meet, tell about life, listen to about life...learn about life... i think you really begin to see how pointless Earthly life is when you are brought to the realization of death...this isn't cool at all... in fact this sucks i liked it better when i only felt pointless at the depths of depression, that i had created because of my fear of people..or my fear of myself...not the direct assault on my life by some woman...some evil woman OH MY GOD! my luck is that she's reading this...she made it this far and she's reading this right now. Well here, here is how i feel I can't stop loving you. I can't change though. I'm not going to change. If you want what I can give you, take it. If you want to be satan's bride, I will cry for you when you walk down the aisle...not because i'm happy either. but because you are on the losing end and you don't see it. but then what i think is that she's just pulling my chain, she's just saying all of this because it's better than the "let's just be friends" line. I mean, come on, every guy hates that line with a passion...and probably have all said at one point in time in their lives, "i'd rather hear the 'I'm a psycho satanic worshiping freak woman who would rather kill you than love your God'" strange what people will think up...stranger yet when it comes true i just wrote two lines and then erased them, i thought you'd like to know, I didn't think they were appropriate after i wrote them....ask yourself, what could those two lines have been...well, they were stupid i often say, "there can't be anything stupid that is written"...i'm ammending to that rule, there can't be anything stupid unless i write it, and deem it so" but everyone else that writes writes well, i love you all, do you know this? you are the reason there is not a world full of those people who say things like "Watch your back"...how rude is it to say that anyway? well, it's 2 am...again here i am...again staring at a monitor, writing away about my pathetic life that may end anyway so why do you do it, Eric? i don't know the answers to anything right now the only think i'm trying to worry about right now is if i lie on my stomach for a long time and my head is propped up on this pillow can i develop a hump on my back....i could be the hunchback...of...somewhere Lord knows if i write it someone may find it and threaten my life... WHY ARE WE SO PARANOID? we're all going to die anyway, right? but i do guess that it does suck, to be blunt and poorly worded i've always wanted to write a bunch of stuff that makes no sense and has poor wording, and see if anyone reads it and then comments on it saying how good or bad it was... it's like when a band that is amazingly popular (not that I am) has a ton of hit songs that everyone loves (not that anyone loves my stuff) and then they release a horrible album just to see if it flies... i hate this i'm lying awake, writing to get over a fear that i have and none of you really care none of you, except maybe my relatives who probably didn't make it this far down the page anyway... this is scary reminds me of Scream except...with less breasts and more boredom and no masks...except maybe a ritualistic mask that covers the faces of the shamed how come i always find these? let me ask anyone who can answer a question let us assume that while she was saying all that she said, she was on heroin could the drug have caused her to say it? i'm hoping so, because...this sucks but, she covered her tracks so well, as most people who would threaten would do... "don't do this, because then I will kill you" "don't say this tomorrow, cause that may remind me to kill you" "if you tell someone, it won't matter cause everyone will die" well, i just told a few people...in poetic form, hell, half of them won't believe me...they'll think i'm just writing this to be writing...or they'll think i'm severely aggrivated in the head some of them will no doubt inform my relatives of my instability maybe applaud me for my ability to come on here and talk about my personal problems as if we al know each other, and yet, we know no one we never doespecially if no one ever letsa nywone in.... i just want to make a friendly reminder...i haven't worried about spelling or anything the entire time i've ben writing, so if you found a mistake ....just acccept the mistake and believe that it was purposefully put there so that you would see it...believe that it adds to the nature of the writing...bbelieve that i am so skillfull that i can even push the bckspace button 10 times without hitting into another word, that i had already written because "i kew i made an error, i was just working my way back"... i'm sorry to get off the subject...this isn't a poem...this is a plea (ok, i looked up...i'm sorry, i did make sure i spelled plea correctly) because i wante to make sure that everyone realizes this... I have a heart i have a mind and a soul i have a God that loves me i'm not afraid to admit any of this i want to meet a woman...i want to love a woman... i want her to want the ssame thing... and i want her to not want me to die for not loving her master HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT IN HER????? i am blind, i think...i was blind with love but how could i have fallen for her anyway....you know, my mom told me before that some art isn't art....like, for instance...pieces of metal, welded together...in the shape of nothing...isn't art...and yet some people buy it... i argued of courses, beign a rebelous teenager at the time..."ART IS EVERYTHING" i said.... i feel like art is art if the artist wants it to be let's say you sculpt something and mean it to mean something then it's art let's say you're playing in the mud adn you accidentally make a shape in the mud and some stranger walking by makes a comment that that shape looks just like a face of an alien and they take an impression of it and they sell it on Ebay for 18,000,000 dollars (no it didn't really happen)...but if it had...that, in my humble opinion...would not be art... so, let's think...is love love after someone says that you will die if you don't believe what they believe, and yet at the end, they assure you that they love you... i thought i was the resident psycho...not her i was psycho for loving her was it coincidence that every time we talked...the song came on... "crazy....i'm crazy...for feelin' so lonely..." "i'm crazy for feelin' so blue" "...crazy for lovin' you" i don't know all the lines, it's 2:35...at any other time i would know those but at 2:35 (yes i know, i looked up)...i don't know them... now that's going to bother me for the rest of the night i want to again, like last time i did this ask for the forgiveness of all that read it...bless you all and those who click on it and see that the scroll bar keeps getting smaller and smaller...and then they quickly head towards the back button i'm sorry if you are still here with me and you believe in God above please, pray for me, and you will receive blessing in heaven oh my ...the flashes of chain letters saying you'll go to heaven if you pass this on to 3 - 4 friends..but any less and you'll go to hell while we're on the hell subject, if you believe like she does...could you please tell her to not try to make me be like that, i enjoy being the way i am...love the things i love, worshiping the God I worship... i suppose i've offended someone by now...it wouldn't be the first time tonight by simply talking about religion... i need to ask one final question how am i still able to love her after she opened the doors to me so easily and yet slammed them over and over once she stepped inside can the love i feel be real? should i just let it go? if i lay sideways like this and type with one arm up and one arm sideways so that my spinal cord hurts like hell...will i have a cramp tomorrow morning? well i guess i'm leaving now if i don't make a new submission in a few weeks or months...start asking questions...

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