By Michael (Leggo My Eggo)
Date: 2 June 2000
Letting go
it's so hard
to let go
so hard to let it be
over
when it isn't over
not then
not now
mabye not ever
it was so easy
to be
a friend
so easy
to be
a brother
even though
there was no blood
we shared
but the blood
of bruised bleeding hearts
and the blood
on our hands
as we tried to heal
each other
it was so easy
to love
her
it was not easy
for her
to love
me
it was so easy
to want good things
for each other
it is still too easy
it is so easy
to remember
my soul sister
my friend
my ex-lover
like it is easy
to remember
to breathe
you don't remember breathing
you just do.
you
breathe
and now matter how you try
you just
breathe
stopping is fatal
and the best you can do
is forget
that you
breathe
and concentrate on
the rest of your life
it's only love after all
I had forgotten
the braces
the curly ratty hair
the raging acne
the slight nervousness
hinting at more
the lonely little girl
smiling to herself
I watched her grow
out of it all
and she became
so beautiful
even though before
she was still
so beautiful
she hasn't forgotten
the messed up hair
the shameful shyness
the raging acne
the melancholy inward looks
hinting at more
the lonely little boy
singing to himself
she watched me grow
out of most of it
and I am now
so beautiful
even though before
I was still
so beautiful
I am likely
overly optomisitc
when I think that what was
was completely unique
was never had by anyone else
can never be copied
or emulated
or
amputated
I am likely
punishingly pessimistic
when I think that what I might find
will not be as wonderful
will not be my heart held by someone else
will not be original
or different
or
complete
it is just so hard to let go
it is just so hard to forget
what you thought you had
forgotten
what you thought was
over
but isn't over
not then
not now
mabye not ever
but even though love
isn't over
the car
is crashed
the gasoline
is stale
these words
are stale
these memories
are stale
and since she doesn't want to buy a new car
with me
it's over.
An it's ok.
It's really ok.
it's only love after all
I have to remember
my mother
who loves me
terribly
who pokes into my life
almost uninvited
who likes to clean my apartment
almost uninvited
who does my laundry when I visit
almost uninvited
who buys me plane tickets to see her
who commands me to call
collect
if I have to.
Every sunday.
and calls me
at work
at home
in my car
anytime, any place, on any device
who paid for my college expenses
even though I paid for
books, board, and tuition
all on my own
And I let her
because
I love her
unconditionally
and I know she needs to
love me
unconditionally
because she loves me
unconditionally
and though she decides
to make combat drops
into my life
kill all my problems
at least the ones she can
almost uninvited
I don't mind it at all
when she invites herself
because she loves me
unconditionally
because
I love her
unconditionally
and I know she needs to
love me
in her way
whatever that way is
unconditionally
But somehow
some way
she
let me go
she
let me live my life
she
realized that my life
is my own
and that I can't live with her
not anymore
not now
and maybe not ever
probably
not ever again
but every time
she's there
and she says goodbye
she cries
and I almost break down
and bawl with her
but she is happy
she has seen me
she loves to see
that I am so beautiful
living my own life
one day at a time
so when I think of my first love
I realize
I was a terrible friend
for letting her down
when she broke up with
her first true lover
I was a terrible lover
for holding hostage
her best friend
and assasinating him
I am a terrible funk soul brother
for not being able
to tell my adopted soul sister
how happy I am she's getting married
how lucky he is to be with her.
how lucky they are to be "we".
I am the most terrible
meanest
most vile
friend, brother, ex-lover
in the entire world
because I'm telling her
how much
I miss her
because I remind her
how much
she misses me
or at least
my ghost
which is just
a much smaller
part of my
living
breathing
self
maybe a part
that I don't use a lot
not anymore
I am at least equal to
the meanest
most selfish
most vindictive
person
that has ever been
and ever will be again
because I can't just shut up
and say goodbye
Goodbye.
again.
my phantom punches land
at 1 Gigahertz
two per clock cycle
left and right
on the up and down tick
and each one
can shatter
STEEL.
But I'm the bad guy.
I don't enjoy it really.
but I can't be someone
I'm not.
Sorry guppy.
not that sorry.
I don't want to be you.
Though I want to learn from you.
I'm me.
More than I've ever been before
Everyday.
Just me.
You don't ask people
to change
You let people
change themselves
Maybe you help them if they ask for it
And you don't get in their way
even if the only way you can say goodbye
for real
is a phantom punch
to the solar plexus
that takes the breath away
and makes someone remember
how much they enjoy
breathing
Even if they're going to learn to breathe
underwater
without your air
for the rest of their lives
you just tell them to breathe
deep
and you stop holding
your own breath
and look for some mountain air
clean
new
unpolluted
mountain air
even though
I could breathe
Oklahoma dust
South Texas humidity and North Texas dry heat
East coast smog
Ohio springtime
for probably
the rest of my life
I don't know what I'd choose
It's goddamn
EVIL
to ask someone else to.
If you're both content
If you're both done growing as "I"
the logic and love agree
you should both stop looking for
"mr and mrs right"
and become
"mr and mrs. damn happy to be here"
Take care of each other.
I know you will.
I guess I love you both.
Someday I know you'll both love me
because I'm the bad guy
and everyone loves
to hate
the bad guy.
And they never forget him
not now
not soon.
maybe not ever.
it's only love after all
maybe we'll see each others faces
again.
but not now.
not soon.
maybe not ever.
it's only love after all
Goodbye again.
goodbye.
Back to the Heart-on-Sleeve Corner