By Laurel Ahlfeld
Date: 5 June 2000
Safety
In your arms, safely, I cried.
The world disappeared, but not the hurt.
I wanted to work on things, but you said we can't.
You just didn't think it could work out.
I know it could have, but love is a two way thing.
It can't go on if the other half isn't willing.
In the beginning, you were my friend.
I could talk to you safely.
Without fear of betrayal or ridicule.
And we blossomed into something beautiful once.
Somehow it stopped when times got tough.
You found some differences that scared you.
I wanted you to feel safe though.
I wished you could have talked to me.
Told me how you felt, but that's not you.
You said it's too hard to tell people how you feel.
I accepted it, but I couldn't accept your defense.
You shut out your problems and pushed on.
I felt safe with you still.
So I stayed through all the times in the dark.
Because when you noticed me, it was beautiful.
Like the sun shining on me for a few minutes.
It was like the everything in the world was right.
And then you went on and I watched from afar.
When I needed your support it used to be there.
Now when I need it the most I can't find it.
Your safety isn't there to help.
I escape into a world of characters and plots.
It is my defense, but you can't accept it.
My heart cries out for all the times I accepted you.
Love isn't fair, and it isn't a safe game to play.
People get hurt and lives torn apart.
Somehow it is always only one though.
Why did it have to be me?
I tolerated all the things that you are leaving for.
Maybe someday again I can feel safe.
The sun sank and I could find no more words to say.
My baracade from the harsh world was gone.
I cried uncontrollably for hours
I hate crying; it lets the world know I can be hurt.
You told me to yell, scream, hit...anything.
But all I wanted was to feel safe again.
So I placed your arms around my body.
I still felt safe there with you embarcing me.
In your arms I cried for love lost and smiled for friendship found.
I knew that what we had was special and still can be.
It will be different though.
And that's the way you want it to be.
You are older than me and it hurt us.
But right then it was a blessing.
I didn't care how immature I looked and you didn't either.
I felt like a tiny child in the safety of a man's arms.
Maybe I was.
There was something that made me feel somewhat calm.
You wanted me to be myself and more open.
Now I am.
I have never cried for a man before today.
I don't know if I ever will again.
I told you my deepest feelings too late.
But I couldn't safely open up until you did.
Yet, I couldn't stay there to long.
The pain I felt when I knew it was lost hurt badly.
It felt like my heart shattered into tiny fragments.
Stabbing into my body with a stinging sensation.
I wish I could have felt safe again.
But I have to move on to find it again.
I went home to my family and friends.
They were all there to comfort and offer advice.
But I didn't want that.
I wanted safety.
I wanted you.
And I cried myself to sleep.
Now I am sitting alone.
Truly alone.
I know I am not in your heart or mind right now.
It never meant that much to you.
But for some reason it does matter to me.
Even though I know it's not safe to be this consumed.
So I'll try to make it through this day safely.
If I can take it one day at a time...
If I can just make it a short while.
Maybe the pain will ease.
Maybe the numbness of my heart and mind will go.
Maybe someday I can find safety again.
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