By Michael (remembering Spaz)
Date: 4 June 2000

Spaz Loves Jennifer

They say you have to stop loving. That you have to let go. They say you have to move on. I say you do whatever your heart tells you to. I say nobody's right. I say nobody's wrong.
I say love is beyond understanding because love _is_ understanding.
To me saying love can be understood is like trying to prove that green is the color green. It just is. You can't prove it because what you have to use to define the rules of love is love. So as far as love goes, I think it's a waste of time to stop it, or mourn it (I have to keep telling this to myself), or do anything but enjoy it (I have to keep telling this to myself). Though I am trying my damndest to move on, and opportunity is just around the corner, I don't know if the way I choose to handle, or the way anyone chooses to handle it is for everyone.

This is a link to a website of a man who I will never be so callous as to tell to move on. A man who felt such a deep connection to his love that he he basically refuses to "move on". Period. End of story. And anyone with any kind of heart won't tell him to do otherwise until he is ready. But I don't worry about anyone getting to him. Tougher, smarter, better people than the persistently anonymous cowards on the board have tried to hurt this man and failed.

We used to play Descent (space game) together. Kali was the gaming community I went to to cope with my stupid mistakes in love, and my absolute boredom with most of the college experience. I have real, but virtual friends there that I have met in real life. I wouldn't say it was unhealthy. I wouldn't say it was healthy. I would say it was what I did, and I enjoyed it and I got through a difficult time in my life with the help of people like Spaz, Argon Paladin, Dred, sikahema, SugarFoot and R2, and others too numerous to mention. Nowadays I get out and hang with living breathing people face to face for much more of my time, but then I wasn't ready for it (though I visited many friends in Stillwater and in study sessions). And then I wasn't interested in dancing, or poetry. The hurt was too close, the activities too personal. The only thing I could do was listen to music. And play games.

Banning "Spaz" Lyon is one of those people I consider a real friend, and because I want to show you this view of love, I give you the poem at the end of the page.

He basically showed me that hope is not restricted to the life or death of a relationship or a person, and that love that can no longer be returned can be forever. What you give away is not yours to keep or hold close to you, unshared. And it's not wrong. It just is. If you met this man, you would know that there is nothing at all wrong with him. He's a beautiful, creative person that created some of the best Descent levels that were ever built. His life is now Seven Star Preying Mantis Kung-fu. He showed me it's all right to love someone forever. Even when it's not going to work out for whatever reason. What could kill you is not letting it out.

And the blender is telling me to a) keep it sweet and b) let it happen. Que Sera, Sera. I'm working on it.

Spaz loves Jennifer

I used to joke with Spaz
as I shared the love
of smart missles seeking
his Pyro-GX spacecraft
and he shared plenty of love with me
plasma guns lighting up my behind
as we made our ships dance
in the ether of space in a game
over ethernet connections
on our computer monitors
in a 3d fantasyland

We joked of simple things.
We talked of new designs.
The way people guide their ships.
How you can flow through open space
and how it feels to create something beautiful
and dedicate it to someone you love
someone you will never ever spend time with again
Not ever.

See, Spaz loves Jennifer
She died 12 days before 
they were going to get married
she was a recovering heroin addict
They lived together for a while and 
she died in her sleep

Spaz was wrecked
he sought escape for years
he is still in hiding somewhere
one day he will love again
he's such a loving person
but for now
right now
SPAZ LOVES JENNIFER
And for forever.
Forever.
SPAZ LOVES JENNIFER
and maybe
just maybe
someone else too
someday

If someone loved you
and then stopped
but you still love them
and can't move on easily
it's considered weird.
If someone loved you
and died
but you still love them
and can't move on easily
it's tragic and beautiful.

but the thing is.
weird is beautiful too.
Jennifer could have changed her mind
Jennifer could have left him behind
after all, she did. She died.
Spaz would still scream
"I LOVE YOU JENNIFER".
Spaz is not afraid to love
Not afraid of forever
And I am not either
not anymore
Though I am on my way
Moving on
My love for an Angel
is probably not as strong as Spaz's for his.
And my loss is not as strong as his.
But it is love.
And love is strange
and beautiful
and cannot be understood
or rectified like some problem
or cured like some disease
or fixed up by a little bit of 
Moving on.
Though I am moving on.
I just will have my heart broken in a new way
a different way
just as special
by some other lady
I'm looking right now
Looking real hard
And maybe one day
Spaz will move on
he's such a loving person
but for now
right now
SPAZ LOVES JENNIFER
and for forever.
forever.
SPAZ LOVES JENNIFER
and maybe
just maybe
someone else too
someday
it's only love after all
And today
I have a little love
to share with Spaz.
If I could find my copy of the game Descent.

Spaz acknowledges me (or rather an alter ego, Share! = ShareWare! = share_the_love@hotmail.com) at the bottom of this page.