By Michael (The bad guy with a guns akimbo riding his high horse)
Date: 29 May 2000
My suggestion
I want to suggest something
say it to you
It's really simple
It's really troo
Troo bloo
I like Kim Wu
absolutely
And if you don't want to understand me
If you don't want to respond to this with a phone call
I gotta say
I gotta sing
"what the FUCK has this world
turned into
You didn't
leave a message
at least I
could have learned you voice
one last time
daily minefield
This could be my time by your
would you hit me
would you hit me?"
I still wub yoo
but if you won't listen to me
if you wan't answer me
street calling your name
don't let ass and door meet
on way out
Not John woo style.
Guns akimbo and slow mo action opera.
Kim Wu style.
love akimbo and no mo' zope oprah.
Kim wu's wushu is more powerful than mine
But I can learn it.
I love you.
just as much as I did when I was 18
just as much as I did when I drove 600 miles
at sometimes 85 miles an hour for 7 and a half hours
smiling and focused on seeing your smile,
your happy-to-see-me
in my mind I could see it
while I was driving
the whole way
For you
For me
For us
I love you.
just as much as I did when I was 18
when I tried to spend a week with you saying hello
just as much as I did when I decided to stay
to try to spend three months saying goodbye
though we only spent three weeks.
Three weeks where
we just said hi. Hi to Us.
And I liked us Evangeline. I liked us a lot.
I wanted to love Us.
For you
For me
For us
But you see
I love me.
more than I did when I was almost homeless for 3 weeks.
more than I did when I spent 3 weeks waiting for every goddamn second of your time
more than I did when I spent my days trying not to break down crying
more than I did when I spent my nights hoping to see you
more than I did when I spent my nights hoping to talk to you
more than I did when I spent my days not loving me
more than I did when I spent my nights not loving me
more than I did when my mother, my brother, my friends all thought I was crazy
every fucking moment was precious
every fucking moment was more pain
that I want to talk about
I wouldn't give any of it up
even though
it _was_
love insanity.
I love me
more than I did when all I loved in this world
was my family
and you
and I wanted you to be part of my family.
It would make it simpler.
I still do.
But now
Now I love me too.
I am part of my family.
And
I want to love me.
For you
For me
For us
you see
I want you.
I want you
and I don't care about who other women love
I don't care about any of them today.
I want you
to love me.
more than you did when I was almost homeless for 3 weeks.
more than you did when I spent 3 weeks waiting for every goddamn second of your time
more than you did when I spent my days trying not to break down crying
more than you did when I spent my nights hoping to see you
more than you did when I spent my nights hoping to talk to you
more than you did when I spent my days not loving me
more than you did when I spent my nights not loving me
more than you did when I was a nervous wreck this close from finding no sanity the next morning
every fucking moment was precious
every fucking moment was more pain
that I want to talk about
I wouldn't give any of it up.
even though
_this_is_
right now
love insanity.
I love me
more than I did when all I loved in this world
was my family
and you
and I want you to be part of my family
It would make it simpler.
But now
Now I love me too.
I am part of my family.
And
I want to love me.
I want you
to love me
as much as I do.
For you
For me
For us
and I think you want me to make you a promise
promises are so hard to keep
I think you want me to make a promise to you
I want to make a promise
a promise to Us.
you see
I want to love Us.
but I don't know us.
I barely know you
my favorite stranger
but I love you
my favorite stranger
but I want to love us
and I haven't even met Us.
because the last Us I knew
that Us wasn't good enough
wasn't good enough to spend the rest of my life with
that Us wasn't stable enough to raise children
in 5 years
that Us wasn't strong enough for me to start a business
or run a product team
in 5 years
without breaking that us to itty bitty pieces
that us wasn't good enough for me to retire at 65
I want to retire at 45
I want 10 million dollars
that us wasn't good enough for me to retire and live happily ever after
with us
doing whatever the hell we'd do
for the rest of our lives
I want an new US.
Version 2.0
An Us where
I love you to death.
you love me to death.
we love US to death.
where
We love US so much
We want to have children
and you can bear the pain of children
and I can bear your pain
For you
For me
For us
For them.
I want an Us
we love as much as I love the sun coming out of the clouds
as much as I love orange juice
as much as I love Mountain Dew
as much as I love computer games
as much as I love 85 miles an hour
as much as I love the fact that
after all this time
I can dance
and that
after all this time
I feel sexy
And I'm not afraid to show it
not anymore
I'm alive
and I want to love us.
For you
For me
For us.
I want an Us
where you don't mind
how I get cranky in the morning
You probably don't know that
it's been 6 years after all
and we only woke up together
for a few nights.
An us
where you don't mind
how I get pissy when I'm tired
An us
where you don't mind
how I repeat myself in circles endlessly
how I branch off into four hour tangents
how I can't find my keys
how I will have the cocky confidence and fucking arrogance and forgetfullness
to tell you something you already know
better than I do
as if I had GOD's DIVINE RIGHT to preach
about whatever the fuck I'm thinking about.
tell you something you already know
something I'm telling you wrong
An us
where you smile and nod and correct me gently
and you're smiling at the fact that I'm just being me
and I'm beatiful
I know that now darling
do you?
where you don't mind
how I go off at the DOJ case and Judge Jackson
that MichaelSoft microsolider molestor
taking the NASDAQ and all IRA's down the road the hell
I won't say they weren't asking for it
I don't know cuz I'm not an executive
not now
maybe not ever
I need a strong woman to help me get there
Can you fill out my job application?
I'm a fucking career darling.
Seven days a week and unpaid overtime.
I need an us
where you don't mind
how I don't notice the new dress you're wearing
because I don't need to see you to know you're beautiful
and the dress is only the wrapping around the present
I don't care about the wrapping
I want my birthday present
an us
where you don't mind
that I spend half my life loving this computer
this dead fucking computer
trying to breathe life into it
one key at a time.
an us
where you don't mind the fact that
I don't clean the dishes until 3 days later
after they've soaked in soap
and I remember they're there.
where you don't mind most of the bad habits I do
and we both breathe life into Us.
one day at a time
I deserve that Us.
for me
for you
for us
I want an Us
where I don't mind
how you get cranky
at times I can't predict right now
I've seen them
I've heard them
a long time ago
but it's been 6 years
and I don't know you
the living breathing
crying smiling pouting pissed off
real you
I don't know you well enough to predict
not now
maybe not ever
I want to know her.
and I want an us
where I don't mind
when you need to be alone
when you need to untouched
unsquashed, unaccompanied
because I know
deep down in my heart of hearts
that you love me
that you love you
that you love us
and you just need some time
and some space.
and I want an us
where I don't mind
and you know I don't mind
that you're leaving me little clues everywhere
about the thing you want so bad
you can't even ask for it
an us
where you discover finally
that you don't have to ask
and even if you want to
you know the answer
and I want an us
where I don't mind
when you go off at something
when you go off at me
when you go off at the whole goddamn world
and give everyone the finger
You deserve an Us
where he doesn't mind
and I want to give Us that chance
for me
for you
for us
and I want an us
where I wake up to the smell of you
where you wake up to the smell of me
where we wake up to the smell of Us.
and I want an us
where I fall asleep to the sound of you
and me
US
breathing
hearts beating
together
and I want an Us
where I wash your back
and you wash mine
where we argue
over whos driving
where we quibble
over where to eat dinner
where we can't decide
together.
US.
which movie to rent from Blockbuster
so we stay up too late
and watch both
and can't decide
together
which was better.
US.
Though it would be
peachy keen
my beauty queen
malibu barbie and ken cool
that's right.
cool.
if we could decide
on the same one
together
US.
I want that type of us.
For you
for me
for us.
An us
where your mother and father don't stare at me and wonder
who the hell I am
what I'm doing in their house
and what our relationship is
and I have to raise an eyebrow at them
and answer
I don't fucking know
where my mother and brother love you
simply because it's obvious that you love me
and that you take care of me
and that I love you
that's all it takes for them
That is the US.
I would propose to.
Because it's not about me.
It's not about you.
It's about us.
That is the US.
I want to spend the rest of my life with.
That is the US.
I would assume large debt for.
That is the US.
I would live and die for.
I want to live.
That is the US.
I'm trying.
I'm typing.
I'm biting my nails off for.
It's getting me all shook up.
I want to live.
I want US.
for you
for me
for us
But I haven't met Us yet.
I'm terrified of the potential consequences
what would happen if you get here
and you don't love me
you love a ghost
where you don't love a me
that loves me
and loves you
and loves us
because all these posts
all these anonymous mindgames
all of them are about
where is the man that loved me above all else?
where is the man that would give me everything he had?
Gave up everything.
Including himself.
That's not me anymore.
That little boy doesn't exist.
HE'S DEAD HONEY.
You just missed him by weeks.
a window in the year 2000
He jumped out a plane.
And space aliens took him
You introduced me to the X-Files!
My Dana Scully.
The aliens took him.
And left ME.
His EVIL DOPPLEGANGER.
THE FUCKING BAD GUY.
in his place.
That little boy you love doesn't exist anymore.
And though I love that little girl.
I'm not trying to find love with her
I'm trying to find love with you
whoever the hell you are.
That little boy you love doesn't exist anymore.
I threw his lame ass out of a plane.
I killed him.
What you gonna do about it?
Blame me?
Go ahead and do it if you need to.
Do it.
For you
For me
For us
I'm terrified of the potential consequences.
what would happen if you get here
and you don't love yourself
where you can't save yourself
and I love you so much
but what if I can't save you
I don't know if you've already
saved yourself
and if nobody has saved you
Not even Jesus Christ
have you embraced him as your
own personal savior
I don't need him
I got me.
I don't read the Bible much.
I read Robert Fulghum.
But I want you
Saved.
Because right now I love you too much.
Because right now I love me too much.
I love you more than I love an US I haven't met.
I want you saved
Only you can do that
I want to help you
I don't know how
Only you can tell me
But though I don't know a lot of things
I know this
at the end of the day
you have to save yourself
and then save somebody else.
if you love you
I want you to love you.
You is worth loving darling.
Trust me
I know it from close personal experience
See your problems
are my problems
but the problem is
I can't solve them for you
lady
I won't be around you
every second of every day
even though I want to
didn't your parents tell you that honey
My mother did
She's the fucking BOMB.
And until you save yourself.
You can't be that good.
I want that
for you
for me
for us
I haven't met Us 2.0
not now
Maybe not ever
I can't put a ring on your finger
not today
maybe not ever
I can't make you any huge promises
promises are so hard to keep
especially when you're pressured into making them
they have to come freely
without asking
I can't make you any huge promises
not today
maybe not ever
I can promise you that I want to try
I can promise you that I will love you
I can promise you that I will help you love you.
I can promise you that I will try to love Us.
I can promise you that if we love us.
I will put rings on OUR fingers.
But I haven't met us
You haven't sent me mail
You haven't called me yet
You said you think I'm a liar
And I guess I'm getting a Sony Vaio for my birthday
for me
instead of a plane ticket
for you
for us
guess which one I want most?
my love
My Courtknee Luvv
I'm splattering my brain all over the FUCKING INTERNET FOR YOU.
do you want me to use a shotgun instead?
Do I have to be Kurt Cobain?
I want to be Eddie vedder
I want to be Peter Parker with Mary Jane
some people know he's your friendly neighboorhood spider-man
my danger sense is going apeshit
and I don't know why
And Mary Jane is Spidey's girl
His adult love
His WIFE.
He lost Gwen Stacy
his high school sweet heart
He couldn't save her
He tried his goddamn best
a goblin threw her off the bridge
she wasn't strong enough to save herself
And Mary Jane?
She's taken on supervillians
She's saved Spidey all sorts of times.
I need Mary Jane
Not the five fingered friend MJ
My MJ would be a DJ
Who would show me beautiful music
who would dance with me
every day for the rest of my life
even if we aren't even dancing in the same state
ever if we're dancing with different people
because there's still love between us
and that's the bridge we're dancing on
I want to be Clark Kent
I want to be Superman
I want you to be Lois Lane
Not my Kryptonite
though you are beautiful as you are
Just not good for me
unless you want to be
do you want to be?
I hope they don't sue me for copyright infringement
for you
for me
for us
after all this time
it wasn't wasted time
I've grown and I'm sure you have
I know what I want
And I want that.
^^^
|||
after all this time
I know what I want
And I'm not afraid to get it
not anymore
I'm alive
I'm going to
LIVE AND LOVE IT
Or Die trying.
and I want to love us.
For you
For me
For us.
So here's my promise
My promise to try.
Even thought I know
"there is no try."
"Do or do not."
And all that Jazz.
I don't want to be Luke Skywalker
he's lonely and I'm am not a Jedi yet
though I've laid my father's ghost to rest
even though he's still alive.
He doesn't haunt me anymore
He's cheering for me
He's one of my biggest fans
even though he doesn't understand
the game I'm playing.
That's what fathers are for you know.
I want to be a good father someday.
Not soon.
But someday.
For me.
For you.
For us.
So that's my suggestion
It's not a proposal
not exactly
I don't know how the hell I could do to top it
I know diamonds would be involved
I'm so lazy I wish I could just print this out
and hand it to you
and ask you
to live with me
here
In Seattle
But I won't make other promises
promises are so hard to keep
not now
not yet
maybe not ever
If I'm not the highest bidder
I'm sorry now, it's too late
Even though if you asked my ghost
it would say I do
to your ghost
because before
I loved you more than my life
more than myself
as much as my family
and you needed me
and I knew you needed me
and I needed you
to need me
because I didn't need myself
but I don't love you less.
I just love me more than I did.
but I don't love you less.
I just love life more than I did.
And it shows honey.
So I'm worried
about the consequences
be careful what you wish for
I'm wishing for you
My genie in a bottle
I dream of Evangeline
her bottle was kept in my closet
secret from the world
secret from my family
because I didn't want
to share her
with anybody
not anybody
and you don't know how it hurt me
to share you
with all of them
and you kept me in your closet
you kept me in your trunk
never shared me
not with anybody
I was this close to it
six months from now
I might not be only yours anymore.
we were codependent my love
not cooperating
holding each other together
ripping each other apart
I'm together now.
I'm alive.
It's not Pearl Jam alive.
"It's Good to be Alive"
by DJ Rap.
And if I had a phat beat
I might time this to it
It's my Evangeline Rap.
This is True Love
From Mr T.
this is the real man of steel
the real steel deal.
this is me.
It's would be nice to meet you.
But if you don't want to give this your best
If you don't want to put US to the test
Don't let the door and booty meet
on way out
I can make my life complete.
I love my family
I love my life
I love myself
I love you
I love children I haven't met yet
I love the idea of Us.
Us 2.0.
Rewritten from the ground up.
But I'm the bad guy.
I could try to love another woman.
Not right now.
Maybe not ever.
It all depends on you.
This train is stopped.
What's the date on the ticket
I want to buy you?
And are you getting on?
So if you aren't serious darling
don't you dare to play fucking games with me
I'm the bad guy
I don't take no prisioners
I leave them twitching alone
even if they're carried away by some
drugstore cowboy.
I don't even kick dust over the bodies
after I shot them
in the heart
If they don't take my hand
and walk the world with me
Because I'm to blame
It's all my fault
I'm the bad guy
and you don't want to live with me
I'm hell to get along with.
Run home to him
if you can't take this shit from me.
Because this is true love.
Adult Love.
Not too many people can take it.
"All the bills go by, and
Initiatives are taken up
By the middle,
there ain't gonna be any middle any more
And the cross I'm bearing home
Ain't indicative of my faith
Left the porch
Hear my name, take a good look
This could be the day
Hold my hand,
walk beside me
I just need to say...
Hear my name, take a good look
This could be the day
Hold my hand, lie beside me
I just need to say
I could not take just one day
I know when I would not ever touch you
Hold you...
feel you...
ever hold you...
never again..."
And those are the consquences I'm talking about.
I let the real you go.
I've been clinging to a ghost for 6 fucking years
I almost quit my job when my boss left
she reminded me of you
and I didn't love it very much
I love it more now because I realized why
I was holding on
realized that I shouldn't be
holding on
Realized that I let you drive me
for far too long
I've got the steering wheel now.
I liked my job interview partly because
one of the ladies I interviewed with
she looked enough like you without looking just like you
And I can't talk to her very easily
It fucks with my head
But not that much anymore
I'm big mean nasty now baby
It only got easier when I found out you were getting
Married.
It was release.
It was like taking the responsibility I felt
For wanting you to be happy.
Taking that weight off my shoulders.
And now you want to tell me
My ghost is all you ever dreamed of?
And you expect me to make sense for the next year?
What?
Are you kidding?
Who do you think I am?
Superman?
Kryptonite.
Go home to him darlin.
My hearts already broken.
You can't hurt me anymore than I am hurt.
And I don't need more shit to remind me
how much I miss you
even though I don't think these bullets
are missing you
What I need is a phone call.
I don't need love insanity
I'm the bad guy.
I'm big, mean, nasty, passionate, and scary.
I can hurt you.
Don't fuck around with me.
And if you aren't walking over to my apartment.
Don't forget about your cute ass
and the door.
For you.
For me.
For US.
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