By Eric, thenuttman@aol.com
Date: 25 May 2000
Thursday Night Cafe...
Not surprisingly...
I became overly self-conscious when I saw you...
You, an angel and I was but a speck of dust, lying at your feet
wisped away, ever so quickly when you would gently move across the floor...
I always had a deep desire to tell you, during many of our talks, to let go of that man...
a trait that resembles jealousy, but could never truly wear the name...
you would very stealthily move around the subject, weaving by as if I were standing still and you were riding on your white horse...
It seems as though, if I were to have a white horse of my own, and came riding from the heavens to take you into my arms, you would smile...in your casual way, and your eyes would drift off, surely thinking, "if only he would do the same for me..."
but he doesn't, and he never will because only I could feel as much
why you insist that "someday he will change" is a mystery that I don't believe even the greatest detectives could unravel...
Have you ever noticed, that hidden, deep within the word believe, is the word lie...how many times have you uttered that word to me, "believing me"....or is it, lying to me? I seem to slowly be degenerating...exposing a core...
As an apple sits on the counter-top...half eaten...exposed...
The brown begins to take over...The mere introduction to oxygen and bacteria causes a visually appalling scene...This is the effect you have on me, even though I try to hide my innermost peculiarities...
without fail you find them...and you don't seem to mind the brown hue that I bear...
It seems to be distasteful for you to speak of such things...
When I think of you, I draw from the past...
I pull up memories of those before you...compare, contrast...
A method of mathematical possibilities, but relationally incorrect...
Then, without realizing my mistake, I focus on a different aspect of life and don't realize that I am speaking without thinking...
You seem to only realize my blunders such as these.
Then there are the times when you dream
And when I say you, I mean all of us...
You dream...and depending on the contents held inside, your wakening moments can vary from horrifying to soothing...
You seem to create in me the body-washed soothing feeling previously only attained from having a dream of enormous proportions...a dream which held you inside...captive and given only to me...holding closely as I walk down an aisle...the aisle...the hallway to marriage...
and in the love of myself, I've often realized that the difficulties come from staying in love with myself as well as i stay in love with you...
Which becomes a problem at 2 AM....Because I take on that "different personality" that you so kindly pointed out...the one you didn't hate, but hated to love...
It's easy to love insanity...it doesn't remember your name
much more difficult to escape love in all of it's glory...
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