By Michael (Redlining it)
Date: 27 May 2000
Fill 'er up (Unleaded)
I kind of like the nickname "Michael on Overdrive".
I compare everything to cars.
So now I want to compare love and relationships
to fuel and cars.
Love and relationships
are like
gasoline and automobiles.
love is the fuel.
and the relationship is the car.
Two people can have all the love in the world
but no wheels.
They still aren't going anywhere.
Bitch and scream all they want.
Just don't light a match.
The explosion is beautiful and awesome
but the wreckage is not a pretty sight.
As anyone who's following my posts
or following my life
already knows.
Two people can have all the love in the world
but if it's a lemon.
They still aren't going anywhere.
When they're getting half-a-mile out of seventeen gallons,
when they got to stop at every gas station,
and take a break
and refill the tank
and pay out the nose
--that marriage penalty is killer on gas prices--
Its hard.
When they're expending all their effort to maintain
something not really doing it's job
maybe they should look for another car.
They could still buy a new one together
But damn I bet that's harder.
And life doesn't have an anti-lemon law.
At least not one for love.
I guess a prenuptial is as close as it gets.
Two people can have all the love in the world
but if they're going in different directions
one to Disney World
another to Hollywood
They can't go together.
Not like they can split the car in half.
Though they try.
And sometimes they just drive straight down the middle
and both of them get pissed when years later
they haven't reached the destination either of them wanted to get to.
Some people can't afford a car.
The best they can shoot for is a taxi ride together.
Or a horse drawn carriage in the park.
And they pay a little more for the ride than they want to
but at least it doesn't cost half.
Two people can have the best car that's even been and ever existed
he can say all the right words
have the right job, wear the right clothes
have a beautiful house
and she can be beautiful and organized
and strong and creative
and smart and sexy
and a perfect match for him in every way
but if there is no love
that BMW ain't going nowhere.
or they may think it does,
but they're just pushing it in neutral
around a circular driveway.
I wonder if I can paid to recite this.
Buy a BMW --
the best choice for the ultimate driving experience.
Hmm. I guess not.
I'm not convincing myself.
And don't even get me started on children.
They don't wanna choose.
They don't understand cars.
Cars are supposed to go somewhere.
Stop at red lighst. Go at green lights.
Cars are supposed to be safe and stable.
You're supposed to fix them when they break down.
And they don't understand when you absolutely have to get a new one.
Why can't we ride with both Mommy and Daddy?
But let me tell you what.
There's no point to shouting in the car in front of the children forever.
Let Mommy drive them away if it's getting too crazy.
And this is a guy who wants to be Daddy someday
Someday a Daddy who will never let his children go
because I'm choosing a car so very carefully.
Children are hard enough on cars.
Between ice cream and Wendy's fries
-Wendy's fries are the best kirk, I'm sorry-
and happy meals and chocolate bars and apple pies.
Cars get messy with children.
And it takes a lot of work to take care of them.
Take of the car when you got kids.
And keep an eye on the road.
It's not just your lives.
It's not just your car.
It's their life, and their car too dammit.
I don't want anybody to get hurt.
And let's talk about driving shall we?
If only one person's ever driving the car
It sure is hard on them
Especially on long road trips
like paying your children's way through college
on dealing with a layoff
or handling the birth of a disabled child
one of you is going to get velocitation
one of you is going to experience inebriation
one of you is going to need validation
The best cars are driven by both partners
taking turns, spotting each other,
paying attention to each other
the road, the car, and themselves
all at once.
The best cars are driven by both partners
who split the gasoline bill
though you're not necessarily paying with money.
And people go for the weirdest things
Some for the SUV or the minvan -- for the kids
some for the Miata -- for the sunshine
some for the lexus -- for the status
some would die for a Jaguar -- for the insanely high maintainence costs
some for the lamborghini -- for the hell of it and because they're rich and crazy
I just want a Honda or a Camry or a Ford Escort
something that works, handles fine, gets decent mileage
something that can last just short of forever
I wanna drive one until it dies
and then get another just like it.
Is that so much to ask?
There are places I want to go.
You can't walk to them alone.
I know all this because I'm sitting on a oil tanker full of leaded fuel.
Left over from a lemon experience.
I can't use it anywhere else without a filter that I can't afford
the fuel went out of date 6 years ago
It's been sitting on my front porch
it was hell to get it out of my dorm room.
I don't know why I'm dragging it with me
besides being a fire hazard
the goddamn thing is heavy
but I just can't leave home without it.
I guess I love it too much.
And maybe I'll be able to find a use for it.
It sure smells nice
Reminds me of the perfume Chanel.
though too much at once might kill me.
At least it's better than nicotine.
I don't think leaded fuel has been proven
to cause lung cancer.
But I am not a doctor.
I only play one on tv.
Right now I'm hitchhiking.
Got my thumb out.
Searching for a highway.
Some ladies are slowing down to pick me up.
I hope I don't scare them.
Though I'm dressed pretty nice.
And I look harmless.
I could be the worst driver they ever met.
Or the best.
And if they read this.
I hope I don't cause any accidents.
I don't want anybody to get hurt.
So I'm saving up my spare cash
I want to buy some adult love and relationships.
I don't even know where to buy them.
Worried I'll get taken in by some used car salesman.
And man when you sign that contract,
get those keys
put on that ring
that new car smell
is the most expensive perfume in the whole world.
But dammit I like to drive.
Right now I suck at it.
Can't even handle driving stick.
Haven't had enough practice.
Cars are expensive.
Shopping for a good one is hard.
I could afford a beater car.
But I'm not going halfway here.
I want to have fun while I'm driving.
I want to have fun while I'm in the passenger seat.
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