By Misti Velvet Rainwater
Date: 7 February 2000

SCENE 38

SCENE 38-INT.-Becca and Derek's bedroom. Day.
It's Sunday morning. Derek is sitting beside
Becca on the bed. She's still asleep. He watches
her sleep as he smokes a cigarette. There's a knock
on the door.
Derek: We're not naked, you can come in.
Karis opens the door.
Karis: I've made pancakes and bacon.
Want some?
Derek: No, thanks.
Karis: Are you sure?
Derek: Yeah. I'm waiting for Becca to wake up. I don't
want her to wake up alone.
Karis: I could bring it to you on a tray.
Becca: I'm awake. I'm dead. I'm burning in hell.
Karis: Want some Tylenol?
Becca: No. I want to suffer for my sins. Derek, go eat.
Derek: I don't want to eat. I want to talk to you.
Karis: Uh-oh. I'm gone.
Closes the door.
Becca: Did we have sex last night?
Derek: I guess you could call it that.
Becca: That bad, huh? Well, that's what you get for
screwing me when I'm too drunk to walk.
Derek: Could you sit up and look at me?
Becca: No. I'll look at you, but I won't sit up.
If you're going to talk down to me you might as 
well talk down to me.
Derek: Whether you realize it or not, you're special.
I don't want to watch you degrade yourself.
Becca: Please.
Derek: Who are you talking to? Some asshole off the street?
I'm the man you're supposedly crazy in love with. Your
sweet dream come true, remember?
Becca sits up. Massages her temples.
Becca: I need a drag.
Derek hands her the cigarette. She puffs on it and looks
at Derek.
Becca: I'm no good at relationships. Something was lost
a long time ago and no man in this world is good enough
to find it and bring it home to me. I thought we had
something. I still feel the feeling. But I've got too
much baggage. You deserve better.
Derek reaches for the cigarette. Takes a drag.
Derek: So that's it? We had one lousy night and you're
ready to throw the towel in?
Becca: I don't want to break up. But there are a lot of
things I don't want. I don't want morning breath, but I'm
blessed with it every damn morning without fail. I don't
want my period. I don't want cellulite or bad hair or 
these mediocre 34B tits.
Derek: I love your tits.
Becca: You do?
Derek: Yes! And I don't like the thought of never seeing
them again.
Becca: My tits aren't the issue here. Last night sucked.
You found someone you enjoyed more than me. 
Derek: You were making me uncomfortable. You're a loud drunk,
you know that? You remind me of Papaw when you're drunk, which
is pretty weird if you think about it. You were going on and on
about ebullience and how clueless we all were. You threatened
to kick this one guy's ass because he told you he thought
you were being pretentious and asked you to please tone it
down 'cause you were pissing on his good vibes.
Becca: You let him talk to me like that?
Derek: Babe, he had a valid point. We were all just hangin'
out, enjoyin' the weed and wine and good tunes. You were a
raging schizoid.
Becca: What did Adonis think about it all?
Derek: He was cheerin' you on, what do you think?
That's what bothers me the most. I got the feeling that
Adonis was enjoying exploiting you. Like you were providing
his entertainment for the evening or whatever.
Becca: Oh, that's how he is. He likes to be around loud,
wacky people.
Derek: I like you better when you're sober.
Becca: What else did I do?
Derek: You got up on the coffee table and danced to that
"Time Warp" song. You tried to talk us all into taking
a caravan to Las Vegas. You hated us, but you wanted to
take us all to Vegas. You offered to finance a wedding
for Adonis and April.
Becca: Oh, no.
Derek: Oh, yes. I guess your most stellar moment was when
you got on your hands and knees and pretended to be a
cat on crack. Adonis was laughing his ass off.
Becca: Don't you have a sense of humor?
Derek: Sure. Lucy stomping grapes is funny. Tom Green
putting lewd statues of his parents in their front yard
is funny. Jim Carrey as Andy Kaufman as Jimmy Carter is
funny. My girlfriend degrading herself by pretending to
be a cat on crack is not funny.
Becca: Oh, come on. That's funnier than Lucy stomping
grapes. Everyone says that was so great. I hated "I Love
Lucy." You wanna know what makes me laugh? Freddy Krueger
movies. And Jon Voight in "Anaconda."
Derek: I love your weirdness. To a point.
Becca: So you aren't crazy about me. You don't crave me
like Puffed Cheetos.
Derek: I don't think I have it in me to be crazy about
anyone. I love being with you. Maybe I even love you.
I definitely care about you. And you're better than 
Puffed Cheetos. They have no nutritional value whatsoever.
Becca: But people still crave 'em. And I know I don't have
any nutritional value whatsoever.
Derek: Sure you do. You're good for my soul.
Becca laughs.