By sarah iristakeroot@juno.com
Date: 14 October 2000
18 again
the last time i saw you
was when i was 18
with the giddiness of a school girl
who couldn't quite get up the courage
to go talk to you
a man, an old man of 26
so with the blushing cheeks, and stammering
words, i told you that you were a beautiful boy
and i suppose that is when it all began
you a man who had fallen
and were struggling to get back up again
burned by a world you didn't quite fit in
and i was someone who wasn't quite starting yet
and not sure where my point of origin was
we lived in a world of uncertainties
i went away to college
back when i believed in youthful optimism
and the power of reality to center
i thought of you and talked of you to friends
and everytime i received a letter from you
which was every other day sometimes
i would feel so much joy i had to tell someone
you never touched me
i would come home from college and go to see you
i saw my first monet with you
and i stared in awe at the beauty of the renaisance hovering
above me in a cavernous room
with your quietness standing behind me
your stillness letting me
we talked guardedly about love and friendship
a line i never felt was distinguished between us
i dreamt of touching you, but still so young and afraid
never having touched a man before
never having kissed a man before
i came home for christmas and called you for new years
where you went with me to a masquerade
and finally did touch your lips, in a fleeting impression
that wasn't quite solidified
but a definate brushing of lips
both of us awkward and gawky unsure
i dreamt of you of you wanting to be with me
but i think you never knew
and here we are now four years later
with three years of silence between us
between a time when i was innocent and free of hurt
we stopped talking after i left the church, not that you minded
you are an atheist
but i began my exploration, and my exploration didn't include
anything stable, including family they left me behind after i left
the church
so i searched for my stability in men, in the love i thought they offered
when i found out that the love they offered
was in the form of minutes and seconds and a few grunts and groans
and then turning over without so much a goodnight
or a that was good or thanks dear
i shed many tears during these three years
and now i come back to you again
its 4 am and i can't sleep
because its all coming back to you, and the suddenness of it
and your traveling 150 miles to see me
we've spent the last few nights talking until our eyes shut
now i get to do that tonight but with you here
i'm scared and nervous and excited
im 18 again.
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