By faith
Date: 10 October 2000

five minutes from the aisle

it was so easy at first. romantic night, romantic dinner. walks on the pier. and then he drops to one knee and pulls out the most beautiful ring i've ever seen. "lydie will you marry me?" and what can i say but yes? this is the boy i have loved for as long as i can remember, the boy who i might as well have married when i was 12.

standing under the streetlights, kissing, my ring glittering in the moonlight.

i called my mother that night. "mommy, he asked me!" i shrieked. "he asked you what?" she said, playing dumb. i knew she knew and she knew i did. "i'm getting married!" i said. "congratulations baby!" she said. "i'd come over and have champagne with you but it's a four hour flight."

my little sister called me the next day. "lydie, i wanna be in your wedding," she said. "of course you'll be in my wedding, sugar. you're my baby girl after all," i said. "i wanna help pick out my dress," she said. annie is 13, and has been the light of my life since she was born. i love that little girl more than anything in the world. "well when school gets out maybe you can come down here and we'll work on all the dresses together," i said. "really? could i?" she asked. "of course you can," i told her.

then came the months and months of planning. guest lists that had to be revised five times, churches inspected, bands screened and then hired. i bought my dress. it was a beautiful medieval fairy princess dress. i felt like elaine of the lake or like a celtic goddess, it was so beautiful. my friend sally came down to help me with everything. every night we'd go out, sometimes with josh, sometimes without him. sally and i would talk for hours. we designed cakes on bar napkins, talked about flowers and wedding songs. the band we'd hired played swing and i was really stuck on a wedding song.

i remember when i was in my friend sarah's wedding. sarah and i had been friends in high school. not good friends, but close enough that she wanted me to be in her wedding. she was a wreck for the weeks before. i swore i was never gonna get married because it seemed like the hassle took all the joy out of it.

and now all this nonsense about songs and cakes and flowers and caterers and guest lists and RSVPs and hotel reservations and limo services and who's going to pick up people at the airport on which days... i find myself chainsmoking and staying up really late.

now i'm five minutes away from the aisle, standing upstairs in my beautiful dress, taking deep breaths and regretting the coffee i drank this morning. sally and annie are standing next to me, loooking over the railing at the people coming in. i'm worried because my father is here and his old girlfriend julia is also here and they don't get along at all. and my mother the lesbian has brought her new girlfriend and josh's parents are christian. and my brother is half asleep and my friends all look uncomfortable in their formal wear. my mom's mom is already in tears. my mom's dad sits stalwartly, like always, emotionless. you never know he feels anything until he grabs you in a bear hug and practically suffocates you.

"lydia, are you ok?" sally asks. "you look pale." "i'm ok. i guess i'm just nervous. stage fright, you know," i tell her. and it's true. what if i forget the vows or i fuck it up somehow? what if i trip over my dress and fall down? what if something goes wrong and makes this anything less than picture perfect? this is the only chance we get, you know. this is it.

and then the music starts. this is annie's cue to go down the stairs and when she gets to the bottom, sally follows her. when sally gets to the alter they start playing the song. you know the one they always play at weddings. and i take a deep breath and start down the stairs, smiling brightly.
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