By yes i know
Date: 5 September 2000
Some things i need you to hear
Hurt you. God that was the very last intent of my heart, my soul. I knew that you would feel the pain. Sharp and deep. But I realize that pain is transient by its very nature. And I hoped…., no I prayed your pain would fade quickly. Maybe as a counterpoint to the memories I know will fade so damn slowly, if at all. And I hurt a part of me even worse.
You see, I had to let you go. You deserved so much more than me. You know me well. Better perhaps than any human can truly know another. And you know the past. The nightmares that scarred my soul. I will never forget that you were the first person who broke through those walls and fortified barriers. Looking at my soul with loving regard and picking it up and seeing the worth there. When even I could not see any. It was the very power of your love that started the changes within me that continue to this day.
But darling, there was still a part of my heart you never could reach. Not because you loved me too little. God no. Never think that. Because I could never open up the final layer. Right now, I don’t know if that final part, that place where a hurt little boy still cries in the dark to be touched with gentleness,…well that place may never open. Only I can do the work required to change that.
And I knew it was not fair to accept your love, your witness to me, without giving back to you a 100% heart. Not 90 or even 99%. But every damn ounce of the love that you deserve in your life. And because I cannot give you that, I had to let you go. Somewhere in the world exists another who will worship the ground you walked at least as much as I do. And he maybe will be able to go that final small step to giving you the 100% complete love I so much want for you.
Please never doubt that I loved you. I gave you every bit of love my heart could muster. And that love is yours for a lifetime even if now that seems more like a sick joke than a comfort. We were not false, fake, an illusion that blew away like a wisp of smoke. You know better than that. Your heart tells you that and I know you feel it in your soul as I do mine. But it is because our love was true that I had to say goodbye you see. I love you too much to accept less than the best love you need and deserve. And that was not me. As much as I prayed and lay awake at night trying to rationalize holding on to you, I simply couldn’t do that. I still love you too much to do that.
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