By Crystal
Date: 7 September 2000

Please Excuse My Language!



Dear Mike,
     Please excuse me language for this not what you are expecting to hear! After 2 months of not having you here with me and writing poetry,
filled with emotion,
of having conversation after conversation, it doesn't seem that there
should be anything at all
left to say.  Somehow there is...there always is.  I love you so entirely
much and even when I try to explain to you what I'm feeling you look at me
so intensely but you never say a wrod.
When I send you my poetry all you say is " that was sweet", or " that's
good".
Don't you know that kills me.  I spill my guts to you and you say you care,
but your actions speak so differently.  You are so cold!  This isn't the
you I know,
but the "You" I know, is unlike the one your friends from years and years
perceive you to be.  You don't show them the tears you cry, they only hear
the way you make fun of me behind my back, all you show them is that you
are so two-faced.
They aren't there when you look in my eyes, or kiss me, or frown...all they
see is a smile.  You have done so much for me, but nothing for my
self-esteem.  Damn you!  You make me cry when I'm alone, driving in my car,
up late at night while others sleep writing the words I wish you could
understand.  You choose not to,
because I guess, you don't want to deal with it, right now.  You don't
think about when you are ready, you may have pushed me away one too many
times.  I want to scream out so loudly the entire world will hear..."I HATE
YOU!!!" , but all that seems tocome out is "I LOVE YOU!!!"  You undeserving
Bastard!   I want it over...I want to stop thinking of you, I want forget
you even exist!  What have you done with my soul?
     For 3 years when you decide you don't want a relationship, everytime,
I sat waiting on you.  This time it will be different I need to see other
people, I'll be strong then, never crying in front of strangers, But
somehow I know it will be a disaster because I love you so much...you would
ruin it with the thoughts of you and how I don't want to hurt you always
popping up in my mind, lerking in the mist with everything I do,the
memories waiting to jump out in my way causing a CRASH!
Fuck!!!!!!!!! Why can't I do this to you?

                                                With All my Love and
Hostility,
                                                           Crystal
                                                  (You know,The only one
that ever gave a shit about you...and I always wondered why, not anymore!)
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