By faith
Date: 9 September 2000

is this where you rip me apart?

so this is it
the grand finale
the big scene we will inevitably make
i can picture it all

the whole room will be on edge
to watch the fall of rome
the decline of civilization
the end of the world as they know it because
the perfect pair is about to go their own ways
the world will sit still
poised on the edges of their chairs
listening watching waiting

is this how you want it to end?
with the explosions and earthquakes and all?
is this the drama you've been craving?
is this what you want?
to turn yourself into the victim in a victimless crime?
is this how you want us to break each other?
with mean little words and jokes that aren't funny anymore?
with anecdotes and analogies that scream to everyone in the room that
we don't like each other anymore?
did you want me to crumble like a cracker in your fist
when you grabbed my wrist when i tried to walk away?
is this the way you wanted everything to end
with a big fight on the big night
at the moment when today becomes tomorrow and yesterday
well yesterday obviously doesn't matter anymore?

i didn't want to hurt you
i didn't want it to be this way
because there is no one to blame for this
i could lie and say it's you
i could tell my friends all the awful things you made me do
how i couldn't believe the words i was saying were mine
because they sounded so hateful
you can tell yourself you're the one who tried
and how many times i made you cry
you can tell your friends that i'm the reason we fell apart
that it wasn't you because
you'd never hurt me
because
you loved me so much and i just stopped caring

you can tell anyone anything you want

but i remember that night when we were alone at carrie's
lying on the floor tv on not really watching the news
neither of us really wanting to be there
at least not together
and you kissed me and your lips were crushing me
smothering me
suffocating me
you looked down at me and held my wrists over my head saying
i want you
i want to rip you apart

is this the horrible scene you wanted?
did you want me to cry?
did you want me to grasp in vain at your hand as you left
resolute and immovable in your determination to be
the one who didn't cry?
did you want me to collapse and have to be escorted home in tears?
did you want me to lay down and die?

it's not happening and i'm just wondering
how we put this much into it and came this far
and ended up with so little
how we could have invested so much in nothing
and how you can look at me with so much love in your eyes
and tell me you don't want to see me anymore

is this it?
is this where you rip me apart?
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