By iLLbLeEd
Date: 27 March 2001

#####No title..just venting all my thoughts..wrote this around january when i returned to the feeling of nothingness#######

i’m tired of broken promises and desperate excuses.  There is no excuse for you breaking my heart then asking me for
forgive you enough to let you back in.  Being your friend was hard enough, and the only hope i had for a future for
“us” was instilled in the trust that friendship has been built on.  A foundation built over three years of chance.  It was
by chance i met you when i did...and now after everything, and at this exact moment I do wish that maybe..i’m not
sure yet...i hadn’t been there at that time, that moment.  Then maybe it would be someone else you were ripping apart
at the seams, because i honestly never thought i’d have regrets, especially when it came to you.  You were for so long
my small piece of heaven on earth, and when you decided you didn’t love me anymore i felt completely incomplete.  I
cried and hurt for so long that i ran out of tears.  I don’t think you realize what it took for me to look you in the eyes
everyday and know that i came this far for nothing.  Don’t get hurt when i say nothing, you are something, once upon
a time everything to me, but right now i’m at a loss for words.  I was only able to be your friend because i did not
want to lose our history together, and i could not let seeing 3 years of my life be left utterly useless.  And yeah...i was
still in love with you.  I’m sure you knew that, because you took every chance given to make it hurt that much more
by saying how not in love you were with me.  I’ve been telling y you for days that something happened to me
too...that i changed.  I realized exactly how much when you came to my door and went to kiss me.  For the first time
in my life i can actually say i did not want to kiss you.  I don’t know what it was..but something made me turn my
head so as to make you kiss my cheek instead.  Like always i ended up giving in to you, and disappointing myself,
two things i guess i’ve gotten down better than anything in my life.  When you kissed me then, i felt passion and i 
knew that for once maybe you did have some small feeling for me, even in the tiniest sense.  But i felt numb.  And
god....i don’t know how many times i’ve gone over all the things i’ve said to you, because i know i say hurtful things. 
But right at that moment i began to doubt.  There has not  been one time since i’ve known you when you doubted us ,
until i came here, and then it was me who didnt’ doubt.  I guess i was stupid, but i understand everything now and i
guess you were right thinking we’d never work, two doubters now...so things truly aren’t so good.  And i don’t want
you to be confused, and i try so hard to be a good friend to you, and over the break i realized that i need myself more
than anyone, and that for once in my life i hadn’t needed your help.  Getting over you was probably the one point in
my life where i could have probably used it most.  I also realized that you weren’t going to love me and no matter
how hard someone tries..you can’t make someone love you.  I gave up, because that’s the only way i knew how to be
your friend.  And most importantly i needed it for myself because it was apparent that you were incapable of being the
friend i needed most.  No matter how awful i felt i always came to you and for a moment you seemed to make
everything disappear like you always have been able to do for me.  But when i was at home, i realized that all those
times, you didn’t stay.  Yeah i guess you tried, but not like the person i knew, because when it came down to it you
always disregarded me.  Now you say i won’t take a back seat to anyone or anything else, but how am i supposed to
believe that.  You asked me to trust you as a friend, and i’m trying, but i can’t trust someone who lies to me even as a
friend.  I”m sorry i can’t.  And i don’t know where to begin to explain everythign that i figured out today.  But i do
know that normally, before i would have been reduced to tears, however today, i simply wanted to puke. I can now
say wholeheartedly that nothing you did..or do will suprise me.  Yet i  was the one to feel guilty for something so
much smaller..but that’s another story.... I guess now i wake up everyday thinking wow, i’m here it’s supposed to be
perfect but it’s just not.  And i dont’ mean perfect in teh sense you thought, but in my sense, because i found
perfection in all the imperfections.  I guess i took that for granted, and it’s so surreal to finally realize i’m here...and
yet there truly is nothing here for me to have.  I dont’ even know about friendship now...like you..i’m confused.
So in the end, i cannot take this anymore, i’m saying everything i’ve said before..these things make no sense.