By Elaina
Date: 5 January 2001
Confrontation
My mind won't
give me the words I
want to say, so I'm
sitting here writing
nothing inpaticular,
thinking of you.
Of how I just wanted
to grab you and
kiss you today, not
caring what everyone
thought,or who even
noticed, for that matter.
It just doesn't make
sense, why do people care.
Well, I guess it does...
your the most wanted guy
and I definatly don't
deserve to be seeing you,
because, who am I?
Nobody.
A crazy girl who
some how slipped into your
life, never giving you a
strait answer, and most
of the time no answer
at all.
Why you ask ao many
questions I'll
never know...
why do you want to
know my past...
do you really wanna
hear how I can't stand
confrontation, because
every time I've ever
been up front with
someone I've lost
their friendship,
how I'm still
recovering from what
happenend last summer,
and how bitter I am
towards all the people
involved, how I'm so
afraid of being hurt,
I'd rather feel nothing
ever again than to have to
feel that pain for even
one second. That my
only defense is to
hide behind my
safe little wall, and
bottle all I feel for
you, just anticipating
one of those good
moments to hit you with
it (that'll be never).
Because I won't let
myself drive you away.
I can't imagine not having
you to share my poems
with, or you making your
silly voices (imbarassing me).
OH! I just don't know
anymore. However, I do know
yesterday I was ready
to blurt it all out,
as bluntly as possible,
because it's so hard to
keep telling you I don't
know, when I do.
And today I ran back
behind my wall, hiding,
all I wish I could say,
letting it sit and I
suppose letting it rot.
The only thing that I
can do well, is hide behind
that stupid wall that I've
built, and I let each
visitor add a layer
on their way out.
It's so thick, I'LL
never get trough, even
when I want to.
And I do.
I've put so much trust
into people in the past
and it's been destroyed
every time. I hardly trust
anyone anymore. And I want
to put my trust in you,
that you won't hurt me,
that you'll always be there
if I need you. But I know
what you'll say to me
(and I've heard it
many times, not yet from
you, hopefully never
from you). I'd never
hurt you...not on purpose, anyway.
At least I think that's
what you'd say.
Although I hope you
know that, that line is
only slightly over done.
What is wrong with me?
I have so many thoughts
racing through my head,
so many feelings that
are going unexpressed.
OH! Maybe I am crazy.
I don't know what else
could be wrong with me.
And now I'm back where
I started straining to
find the words for
what I feel.
But, nothing comes,
so I'm still sitting
here writing nothing impaticular,
making absolutly no sense
and wasting your time.
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