By Elaina
Date: 22 January 2001
I Give Up
I give up.
I can't do
this anymore
I can't pretend
nothing's going on.
I can't lie to
people anymore.
I can't hold
back all the
things I want
to say. I can't
refrain from
kissing you
any longer.
I can't just
keep telling
myself that
you like me,
and yet feel
you're never quite
sure. Maybe
I was wrong.
Maybe I'm
the one acting
weird, actually
I know I am.
But I can't
sit here any
longer going
unspoken. I'm
sick of trying
to please people
I could care less
about. No one
even cares, as far
as I know they all
think that we're
together, I realized
it's not everyone
else you're
worried about.
It's you. No
one else cares
but you do.
You care and
getting me to
think it was
everyone else was
you're easy way
out. Not that
I don't think
people are stupid
and can't mind their
own business, it's
just you care
more than
anyone ever has.
It's not that
I want this huge
commited relationship
I just want to know
why it hasn't come up.
To tell you the
truth I don't know
what I want, now,
in the future. Shit!
I don't even know
what I'm trying to accompish
with this letter.
If you want to
know what I really
think then here
it goes...I
think you're scared.
I think you're so
scared you can't
even see strait.
You think that
what happened to
you and 'her', would
happen to us and
so you close yourself
off to even the option
of 'you and me.'
Yet maybe I'm wrong,
maybe you just don't
like me that much,
perhaps I'm just a
stepping stone...to
what I'm not sure.
I'd rather not know
wheather it's you
or if it's...me.
That's the inspiration
to my giving up.
Or if you will
I'd like to call it
an eye opener.
You don't like
me as much as I
thought and hoped.
If you did you'd
forget what other
people thought and
said, but you don't.
That's why I can't
do this anymore.
And maybe this is
just me being
afraid like always.
Because I am
falling in love with
you and seem to
ignore it. Or
at least try
and cover it up.
What's even more strange
is that last night I
just wanted to call
you ad blurt out
all I feel. For
some reason I didn't.
Maybe because I
couldn't deal with
what I know you'd
say. I give up!
On love. On just
letting things happen,
and most importantly you.
For once I want to
talk about my feelings
but you don't care enough
to pay attention...I'm sure.
So I guess I'll just
let the inevitable
happen, watch you
fade out of my
life, like every
other visitor that
leaves me more bitter
than the next. Why do
I even try?
call me crazy, but
I had this dilusion
that what we are, or
what we're not, happened
for a reason. And in turn
made my time with
'Asshole' not so wasted.
I mean that was our common
interest in the
first place. We both
disliked 'her' VERY much,
and now we've gotten
bored. Oh shit! Maybe
I am going crazy.
I just have so much to
say and I hate that
I can't say it to your
face, and all at the same
time wriing it here for
everyone to see may even
be worse, than if I were
to tell you to your face.
So my final thought is
I'm giving up,
I'm just going to
ride out this
wave, and with complete
composure, and grace
walk away from my
defeat and go on
as if nothing happened,
which shouldn't be hard,
I've been lying to everyone
else why not to myself as well.
For once I want to hear
what you have to say,
and perhaps curiosity
did kill the cat, but well...
I'm not a cat and I just
HAVE to know. I feel
I've written a novel
and the way I feel
right now I could.
Just thought you'd
like to know how I
feel and since I
surprisingly want
to tell you I thought
I'd give all of it
to you. You can
just ignore me
and pretend I didn't
say anything, but
if I were you...
I wouldn't pass up
the opportunity of me
actually willing to talk
about it, it only happens
once in a great while.
But do what you
want I can't try
anymore.
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