By me aka niki
Date: 1 January 2001
a breakdown
Today I heard that some time ago he talked bad about me
And I don't know why but all of a sudden I felt weak and sad
The same feeling I always used to have when I would be alone and thinking about everything that happend
I thought how can he do this to me, how can he be so cruel
Does he reasly hate m? I don't understand these days he's very normal and nice around me..and I remember everything again and those questions that would keep me up nights just haunted me again, did he ever care, was he lying, why didn't he call, did he only use me that time, did he realy talk bad about me...
the questions just sping around in my head and once again I can not find the answers because I can't see thru his heart and I can't read his mind
I just took a shower and washed everything away
and now i'm sitting here
Listening to sarah Mclachlan 'Do what you have to do"
"And faith has lead you tru it, you do what you have to do
And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go"
and all of a sudden tears start swelling up in my eyes
My god, I haven't cried in months, I was so hard
But I just can't go on like this
I can't go on pretending that I'm OK
and I can't go on smiling my fake smile for the whole world
Don't get me wrong
I'm happy, but there are days when you just feel down and when they ask me if I'm ok, I just say 'Yeah' and Smile
I have to, I have to be strong, not care, be hard and cold
That way you wont feel the pain
That's the medicine I always used to treat my aching heart with
So I'm over you, But sometimes I do get reminded and I do wonder and go back in time and see you again
And then it still hurts the same and I feel like crying
because you were my first love and I realy cared
So It will be like this for along time to come, I'm sure of that
But you do what you have to do and so will I
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