By Riggs
Date: 4 January 2001
A Dog's Life
I envy dogs. For a large number of reasons all of which have to do with the complete lack of stigma surrounging their actions. Without wishing to sound crude the best example I can think of is sex.
You see, dogs have a season. And I think that that would be good for us. Things would be so much simpler. Because, when it's not the right season, dogs just get on with their lives. Sit! Stay! Lie down! Roll over! Go for a walk. Eat your dinner. Don't relieve yourself on the neighbours lawn etc etc. They just get on with life you know?
I think that they are a step ahead of us in that department. Each time an attractive female walks past they don't have the ridiculous and embarrassingly neanderthal urge to stare. They don't lose prescious daylight hours perving. It just doesn't interest them.
However a time comes each year when some hidden radar beam seems to emanate from an unkown place and turn them from obediant companions, into horny and uncontrollable dervishes. You all know how it goes.
Owner: Sit!
Dog: Ppfft. Fuck you!! Sniff Sniff
Owner: SIT!!!
Dog: Sniff Sniff, Fuck off! sniff sniff.
You see dogs don't care, they just grab the first one that passes.
Dog: Sniff Sniff...you'll do!!!"
Can you imagine if we were like that. When the time came you might have to do all sorts of awful things. You might have to spray your wife. You may have to spray the doorstep. Anti male spray would hit the shelves and become the number one item on the shopping list of fearful husbands. At all hours the front lawn would be full of single guys clutching themselves and calling out. "Helloooo!!! Are you in there???"
You'd have to come out and throw your slippers at them.
"Fuck off!!! Get out of here. Go on!! On your way!!!"
Can you imagine? Father's would answer the door and there'd be a queue of guys all grabbing themselves and going "Is your daughter home?"
Dad's would send the potential Romeo's on their way with poisonous and heartfelt threats of castration with a wooden spoon. Turning only to shout up the stairs.
"Girl you better stay in that room. I swear to God if I see one foot come out that door I'll KILL YOU!!!"
On second thought perhaps a season, is not such a good idea after all....
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