By Elaina
Date: 4 January 2001
Terrified
Don't ask questions
just to hear me
say the answers
because, I won't
say them...
not out loud anyway.
I can't look you
bluntly in the eye
and say how I feel.
I couldn't handle
it if you just
looked away.
I can't explain why
I feel the way I
do, because I don't
know why.
I'm too frightened to
look for reason.
No more over analyzing.
No analyzing at all.
I can just play dumb,
right?
"Ignorance is bliss."
What I don't know
(or in some cases...
what I avoid)can't
hurt me. You see
I'm sick of fallowing
my heart, and trusting
my instincts. Even if
they are right, I'd
rather not take the
chance.
I wish I could tell
everyone how I feel
about you. But I can't
I wouldn't want to
take the risk of
us being falsely
labeled, and I end
up not being able to
feel for you the
way I do.
I can't even tell you.
I want to and I'm
constantly biting my
tongue, to make sure
that I don't let
anything slip.
I'm so terrified that
you'll laugh, or
just pretend you
didn't hear me, or start
ignoring me again.
I'm so scared after
all I've had to deal
with I couldn't do
it again. Am I
even making sense,
anymore?
I don't even know
what I'm saying.
I'm trying to cover
all traces that feeling
is even there.
However, I'm sure you
can see right through
me.
I don't even know
how to not listen to
you when you bring
up and uncomfortable
subject, and be careful
what you wish for.
I really don't think
you want me to be
more open with you.
And trust me,
you don't want me to
start 'dealing'
with my confrontation
fear, because you would
hear things you don't
want to hear. It would
end up like this...me
rambling on and on,
accidentally letting
something slip, then using
billions of cliche`
cover ups to try
and distract form
what I just said and
really meant.
It wouldn't be fun.
I don't know, maybe I'm
wrong, maybe you would
like that.
Me saying exactly how
I feel at every given
moment with you.
Then me crying because
of fear I've said too
much.
Like I am right now.
Saying entirely too
much.
Please understand...
I'M TERRIFIED!!!
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