By Angela.Ubaldo@molesworth.af.mil
Date: 1 December 2000
The story of Chris
THE STORY OF CHRIS
I met Chris when I was 16. He was my first love. One of my friends had introduced me to him. When I first met him I thought “he is cute.” Then after I started to get to know him he captivated my soul. I can still remember the first time I looked into his eyes, I felt as if our souls united and became one. I know that sounds pretty extreme for just meeting someone but from the moment I saw him I knew we were meant for each other, like we were destined to be together.
Chris and I started dating about six months after my sixteenth birthday. At first I was kind of hesitant to date him because I did not want to fall in love too deep, but I could not resist. He had this look in his eyes that could have made me do anything. It’s as if could persuade me to do anything by just looking at me.
Dating Chris was the best choice I ever made in my life. He completed my entire existence and we were connected by a power stronger than both of us. My life was a puzzle and he was the missing piece. When he and I were together, I felt like we were the only two people in the world. He was a beautiful person and he was all that mattered to me.
It was the little things about him that made me love him, The way he smelt, his laugh, and how he used to hold me when I was sad or upset. He had a kind heart and an honest soul. He treated my like I was his queen and we ruled the world. We had eachother and that was all that mattered to us. I felt as if our love could have lasted an eternity, but all that was changed in a blink of an eye.
Chris started taking drugs at a party. Peer pressure turned him on to it. He always had a curiosity to try out new things and I thought that when he tried it he would hate it and never do it again. I thought that he would be someone who was exempt from becoming addicted, but I was wrong.
After about two months he became addicted. He denied it though and he denied it till the day he died. He became ugly, and I didn’t even know him any more. He always looked like he never slept and he began losing a lot of weight. He would have crazy mood swings and he would scream at me for no reason. He was like a completely different person. I felt like he didn’t even care about anything anymore but his next high. He didn’t even care about me anymore. I felt like the Chris that I knew and loved was killed by drugs and this addicted Chris had taken over his body.
I don’t even know exactly when he went over the edge, I don’t even think he knew. He was just as lost and confused as I was. If I would have known I would have stopped him, but I was so blind and clueless. I kept denying that he had a problem, when I knew deep down inside that he was slowly being destroyed by drugs. He was being engulfed by the flames of his addiction and everytime he lit up he was feeding the fire.
Chris was like someone caught in a storm who stopped caring at what he got. He began lying and stealing money to get what he wanted. He acted on impulses and all that kept him going was drugs. I knew that on the path he was headed he was going nowhere.
I wanted to save him and I thought I could have. I told myself that if I stood by him he would stop, that if I hung on till the end he would quit, but I was wrong. My love for him kept me from doing what I should have. I didn’t know what to do, I was just as lost and confused as he was. It was as if he was addicted to drugs and I was addicted to him.
I convinced Chris to enter rehab. I thought it would help but he was so content on the belief that he was not an addict. He thought that addicts were only the homeless or that junky you see begging for money but they are not the only ones. Anybody can become an addict and he had become one. Rehab did not do anything for him, I mean how could he get help for a problem that he didn’t believe he had. He told me that he would stop just to prove to me that he wasn’t addicted and I really had faith in him.
I began to see changes in him and I really thought he was clean, but it turns out that he just became a better liar. I desperately wanted to believe his lies. He told me that he was clean and that he would stay clean for me. Faces can be deceiving and he lied to me, he even was lying to himself. I found out that he was worse than he had ever been.
My first reaction was anger. I felt so betrayed and hurt, how could he lie to me after all that I have done for him. I had stuck by him and all I ever wanted to do was help. When I found that out I just wanted to leave and never come back. I wanted to forget Chris and all the pain that he caused me and move on with my life. I mean after all he had the addiction, it was his problem, not mine. I realized that I could not walk away, that would be selfish and Chris needed me to stand by him and fought the war with him. I was so afraid of him becoming another casualty. I loved him to much to let him be killed by an addiction.
I decided that I would stand by Chris till the end. I realized that the old Chris was still inside and I had to get rid of the addicted Chris to get him back.
I tried to be there whenever I could. I even quit my job and all my friends hated me. They all told me to give up on the jerk. They all said that he did not care about me and that he was using me. I knew that was not true but I could understand where they were coming form. They did not know the old Chris, they only knew the addicted Chris and I told myself that they would see when Chris recovers.
Chris’ mom was always there for me but she could not stand him anymore. She did not know what to do but I always told her that our struggle will end soon and the old Chris will come back. She had a hard time believing in him and in me even though she never said anything. His mom was a strong person and I really admire her courage and strength. She kept me going and I kept her going. We weren’t going to give up the fight and we never did.
I finally convinced Chris to go back to rehab again. I can remember it was a Tuesday. We were supposed to leave at 9:00 a.m. on Wednesday but we never did.
I will never forget the day Chris died. In a way, I died that day too. I was sleeping and I was awoken by a phone call at about 6:23 in the morning. I can remember because I glanced at the clock right before answering. I had a feeling that there was something wrong. I picked up the phone and it was Chris’ mom.
“Jamie, come over here quick! Something’s wrong with Chris, he won’t wake up! He’s dead! I know it! HE’S DEAD!” she said frantically. I was in shock, I just wanted to crawl up inside a hole and die, but I knew she needed me.
“Calm down, maybe he’s just passed out. Call 911 and I’ll be right over.”
I walked outside and got in my car. Chris lived about 15 minutes away from my house but it seemed like that drive took an eternity. I was still in my pajamas and my hair was a mess but I did not care. I just wanted to get there. It was hard for me to see because I could not stop crying. My tears seemed like they would never stop. I had to stop crying, I could not let His mom see me like that. I had to be strong for her.
I remember pulling onto his street. Everything went in slow motion. There was an ambulance and two cop cars outside his house. There was a crowd of neighbors gawking at everything. I stopped my car right in the middle of the street and ran up to the door and I saw him lying on the floor with a white blanket over him. I saw his mom sitting in the living room crying. I walked over to her and I sat down next to her.
We embraced eachother and we just started crying. I could not disguise my emotions anymore.
“He is finally free from his addiction,” I whispered, “he’s in a better place now.”
She just nodded and kept on crying. I spent the rest of the day with his mom. We reminisced about Chris and what a beautiful and intelligent person he was. We decided that we would never let him die and people would know about him. We made his funeral arrangements and that was it.
I still go and see her every day. Chris was her only son and in a way I have become her daughter. We always talk about the good memories of Chris and how he lives on in everything we remember. We were not going to let our memories of the good times be erased by the memories of the drugs.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell him how bad it was to ever try drugs. I wish I could go back and tell him how empty my life is, how sometimes it feels like I cannot go on without him. I wish I could have told him that I loved him one more time. I loved him with all my heart and soul and in a way I loved him more than myself, that was my biggest mistake. I wish he would have known that he was my life and when he died he took me with him.
It's been a year now since Chris’ death. I still go to see his mom every day. I think of Chris every second of every day. I dream of him everytime I sleep. I miss him so much. I know its time to let go, but it's so hard. I just take it day by day and I hope the next will be better than the last.
So I hope Chris’s story will help you to appreciate life and to realize that when you take drugs they become your life. They control you and you lose your friends, clothes, looks, and most of all yourself. Do not think that you won’t become addicted because you will. So appreciate your life and do not destroy it by taking drugs and if you have any addicted friends do not abandon them. Stand by them and never loose hope. I never lost hope in Chris and I know that I did all I could even though I didn’t succeed. But if his story will help you to change, than I will have succeeded.
THE END
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