By Ali
Date: 20 December 2000
Goodbye
I couldn't comprehend
I couldn't even speak
I suddenly didn't know
What day it was
Or where I was
Or who I was
The world blurred
I got a little dizzy
So, I leaned up against
The wall
A few feet from you
Shock
I think I was in shock
My hands started to shake
My knees felt weak
I was lucky I could breath
You stood there looking at me
Concern all over your face
I didn't know what to do
Or what to say
I felt like crying
But wouldn't
Not now
In front of you
I felt like running
Far away
But I knew my legs
Would not support me
You softly whispered
That you were sorry
And walked over to me
And wrapped your arms about me
I didn't speak
For fear that my voice
Would betray
All the emotions
I struggled to hold inside
I coaxed my arms
To hold you tight
And the minutes
Crawled by like years
And then I pushed you
Softly away
Said,
"That's enough,
Or you're gonna make me
Cry."
So, you looked hurt
But you
Went back to what you
Were doing
A million thought raced
Through me
As I tried vainly to understand
As I tried to process
What you had just told me
Your words were like a storm cloud
Coming out of nowhere
Raining on me
Soaking me to the bone
Chilling my heart
Or maybe breaking it
I couldn't handle it
I just didn't understand
Everything shut off
I just felt so numb
Yet I wasn't quite numb
Because I felt pain
Maybe I just wished to be numb
Numb would have been easy
And the radio was on
So, I just started singing
I sing when I'm upset
And you know that
And you listened
To the Sarah McLachlan song
That, oddly, was playing
"Oh, God, if you're out there
Won't you hear me. I know we've
Never talked before and, oh God,
the man I love is leaving,
Won't you take him when he comes
to your door. Am I in heaven here
or am I in Hell, at the crossroads
I am standing..."
When the song finally ended
I tried to put everything away
Push all my emotions
Farther underneath the surface
The surface of my skin
So, I put on a smile
Tried to make it look real
And talked to you of things
That we would normally talk about
Always thinking of you
I strove to make it easier on you
I thought of how hard it must be
For you
I held on for a good while
Putting forth a semblance
Of the usual me
Then you said something
About missing me
And there it went
The shred of calm
The facade of composure
My eyes got a little watery
Damn it, I didn't want to cry
And you walked over, again
To hold me
I couldn't move
I just stood there
With my head against your chest
Listening to your heartbeat
Your pulse was quick
And I told you so
You replied,
"That's all you."
I just gave a soft laugh
It was all that I could manage
Again, I pulled away
Said,
"Damn it, that's enough,
You're really gonna make me cry."
And we went back to the idle chatter
The meaningless conversation
Used just to fill the time
Then suddenly, or so it seemed sudden
It was time to say goodbye
Goodbye
And it struck me
Once again
Like lightning
And you held me
In your arms
Tightly
As if you'd never let go
I couldn't say a word
Once again
My emotions stole my voice
I just held on to you
For what felt like forever
You kissed my neck
Of all the things to do
It was so sweet
And, no, I wasn't going to cry
I knew you wanted to kiss me
But, I just couldn't do it
Couldn't bring myself
To kiss the man
Who was breaking my heart
I just couldn't do it
So, then I just let you leave
Watched you get in your car
Watched you drive away
I don't know if you ever looked back
Guess it doesn't matter
So, I walked slowly, sadly
Into my house
Sat down on my couch
And I cried
Thinking that maybe
I should have kissed after all
Kissed you one last time
Back to the Heart-on-Sleeve Corner