By A. Parker
Date: 27 December 2000
Beyond Words
Dear __________,
I just wanted you to know…I was thinking about you the other night. I was thinking about us and if it would ever be possible for there to be an us. I don’t know how you see me, but I wanted to let you know how I see you.
That last sentence would actually be contradictory to my real feelings. Truthfully, I don’t know how I feel about you. However, I do know I see you more than just a friend. It’s weird because I know we wouldn’t be good together. It’s not meant to be. But I still need you to know.
I stare at you sometimes and I lose track of the real world. You are not the most gorgeous guy in the world but I feel drawn to you. I remember all those times when you looked sad. I felt sad too. I wanted to hold you and tell you everything was going to be just fine. You may not realize that I know you are still fragile underneath that tough-guy shield you put on to show the world. I know deep down you have a frail ego and you are constantly afraid you won’t be able to live up to your own expectations.
It’s funny how I don’t really know you well and I have all these confusing feelings about you. I cover up my real feelings sometimes with my sarcasm and indifference. But under my shell, I do care; I care so much about what you say and what you do. And sometimes I dwell on the could-have-beens, the would-have-beens, and the should-have-beens when I think about the things I could have done but didn’t. I was just too afraid.
When I picture us together, I see awkwardness and disagreement. We would be mismatched. We are too different. We are just simply not meant to be.
So, I’ll try to keep this friendship as platonic as possible, even though I personally believe a true platonic friendship is impossible these days. But I will try. I will try not to remind myself to look for you in the hallways. I will try not to stare at you in the classroom. I will try not to obsess about your every word and reaction. I will try not to look your way. It will be hard but I will try.
One day these feelings will fade. But for now, I just need you to know, to understand…
Alexis Parker
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