By The Ditz
Date: 20 February 2001
The cemetery
I look down at the stone emblazoned with his name. A little dirty, but well preserved. I read the name and dates again. Doesn't seem that long ago. I pick up a pinecone from under the tree and breathe in the sweet aroma. Daddy liked pinecones. I place the cone on his stone and let my fingers caress gently the name that brought security to my heart.
"I messed up Daddy. I didn't mean to; but I did." The words echo in my ears as silence shouts from the breeze. I gaze the hill and the flowers in bloom around me. "You have a nice spot Daddy." Under the trees watching the birds fly by. That's what Daddy would have wanted. He never asked for much. Just love, respect, and maybe quiet moments together.
"He asked for honesty, only honesty, yet I couldn't even give him that." Pain clenched my heart as I thought of all the "might have beens." "He's so much like you Daddy. So much like you." A bluejay sings a lunchtime tune to its baby. My stomach whispers a reminder that I haven't eatten since yesterday. My feet, like lead, won't leave this spot. Not until I have an answer. "I'm waiting Daddy."
A memory invades my quiet moment and brings the shadow of a man confined to a bed. "I don't want to remember that. Stop it! That's not what I want to see!" The face is blurred but I feel his presence. Even when reduced to a mass in a bed he stands as an Oak tree. "Were you afraid, Daddy?" Silence. "You can tell me if you were afraid." Silence still.
"I never thought I would fall in love." That wasn't even a posibility way back when we started our affair. No, not an affair of body, but of heart. "He has a heart like yours Daddy." Maybe that's why I could open mine up to him. I inhale the winds and taste his cologne, Old Spice. Daddy wore Old Spice too I think. My lips draw upward in a sweet smile.
Dark clouds encircle the cemetery as raindrops fall from them. They kiss my cheek as I awaken from my memories. The gentle rain enfolds my body like a cocoon. Springtime will open it to reveal the beauty of a butterfly inside like the clouds open up to reveal the beauty of a clean blue sky. "Thank you Daddy," I whisper. I have my answer. I can leave now. The clouds float past as the sun smiles down upon me.
I pick up the pinecone and inhale it's fragrance once again. I brush my lips against the rough surface, and place a sweet kiss upon it's skin, as I gently place it on my daddy's name. Maybe I can't erase the mistakes I made. Maybe we will never make it to to the race's end together, my lover and I. But whatever happens from here, I will stand tall and proud. I will speak the truth and reflect my father's image. When the clouds open up, beauty will shine through. When the storm passes by, I will remain standing like an Oak tree... just like Daddy.
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