By Cee
Date: 27 February 2001

Diary Of A Mad Woman

Day 1

I find myself screaming you name at the top of my lungs , saying things I don't mean , that I would never say to you , like , I hate you , you are my evil , the pit of desperation for me ... As this volcanic out burst erupts from my lips , I pray for calmness , for life to just be simple again ....


Day 2

Desperations now set in , as I call and call , hoping you'd just accept , just once so I could hear your voice . take you in , even if its the last time ... But your sister says that you are not home , and your brother tells me how you've seemed so alone , and isolated from the world . how could I have ever hurt you in theses ways , and now I realize , ive broken my loves trust ....


Day 3

I got your letter today , and I wept for the first time in what feels like years ... I see now the pain ive put you through , I see how much I need you now . and I know , that no matter how hard we try , life for us , will never be as it was ... all I know , is I regret it all , and I Love You ....


Day 4

I stayed in bed all day today , I could not bear to face the world again , on my own ... I heard you called , I listened to the message , but I couldn't bring myself to return it . I feel nothing but despair , and desire ... I guess my fingers are my only friends , you always did say masturbation was the key to ones unhappiness ....


Day 5 

We talked for hours last night , about everything and nothing . I feel so much better today , like I am almost reborn . Like I can face the world and cope again ... I never want to loose this feeling again , even though I am alone ... I know that some how , in some way , you are here with me ....


Day 6

You are like my obsession I drink you in ... and keep you there , locked away in my heart , ive become greedy and selfish , im not willing to share you ....


Day 7 

List of things to do today ....

Call the doctor , see if im truly as fucked up as im starting to believe
Call him , until he answers (god I hate his sister)
Pay the bills
Look for the song ' Bent ' by match box 20
Write in my diary
Get some much needed Sleep ....


Day 8

The doctor said im crazy , the dog ate my lunch , the kid is screaming about something again , I haven't talked to you in two days now , I think your fucking someone else .. My mom ran off with her boyfriend , work has been a bitch , im falling into pieces again , here we go again ....


Day 9 

You've finally got a hold of me , we did a few dirty things , and all is well since ive cum . but I still think your fucking someone else , when I bring this up you change the subject . am I a fool for loving , or for believing you love me ? the dryers done ....


Day 10

I clutch you picture like its my life line , I haven't called , I refuse to be the one to break ... Sitting here crying , I wonder , should I give up now ? Do you even love me ? or am I just a toy to be played with at your convince ....


Day 11 

I cant handle this anymore , the way we use each other , get off on this abuse of words , and time spent less and less ... I would die to hold you again ... But instead im letting go now before were both so hurt that we cant find ourselves anymore . you've always been my love , someday you'll see ....


Day 12

Im write this to you because a horrible thing happened last night , my darling daughter took her life , she left a note and all it said .. Was forgive me mother .. this was my end ... Now I hold her child as she weeps in despair .. and I myself , feel I am to blame ... my loving child why did you leave us now . We've needed you so , but you never could see how ... Now all that will remain is your memory , and this page , of you lasts days , showing all your pain ... What am I to tell him now ? this one that's so ' beloved ' , do I show him of your writing ? Do I speak of all your love ? Do i let him listen to this little child , praying for mom to come home ?Ohh why , Ohh how could you do this ... to the ones you've left behind ... When we all loved you so very much , though you never knew , just why ....