By Elaina
Date: 7 February 2001
Fear
I can't look at you
for fear you'd look
back. I can't talk
to you for fear you'd
ask me how I was, and
you'd see right through
my lie. You see I'm not
so well, it just so
happens this amazing
guilt had hit me. I
never told you how I
felt. Not to your face
anyway. I never came
right out and said it.
I wanted to, so many times.
But I bit my tongue so
I wouldn't scare you.
I finally understood today
that I did indeed fall in
love with you. I was stuck
in the frame of mind
that, that was a BIG thing.
However, now I realize
it's just like a new
pair of shoes. You love
them, you wear them
almost everyday, and sooner
or later they get old
and wore and they no
longer fit like they
use to. You can let
them sit in your closet
of you can send them
away, whatever you
choose they are no
more a part of your
everyday life. I'm the
kind of person that
constantly needs to feel
love. Perhaps that's
why I fall so often.
I do know that you cared
you told me so, and I know
you weren't just saying
that to get me in bed,
you know all you had to
do was touch me. So why?
Why care for me one day
and the next day turn it
off? I mean if I remember
correctly when we started
to again for the second
time we decided, no PDA
and if I recall you were
the one who often stole a
kiss and claimed no one
was looking. Not like it
would matter if they did.
You know what people said
about us. I didn't care,
but for some reason you did.
I know I'm quite excentric,
but who are you trying to
fool. Today someone was
talking of love and I said
one of my many 'it doesn't
exist' comments and the person
looked at me laughed a little
and then said "you've been
scared." I laughed a little
only to hide that she was
absolutly correct. I have been
hurt, more times than I'd care
to discuss, but you...it shouldn't
have hurt. You brought me
out of hiding, told me that
you'd listen, and you did.
And now I have so much to
say and no one to say it to.
You struck a great thought
in my head the other day,
when you wouldn't get up and
'SPAR' with me. Why? You know
how hard it is for me to
think on the spot, you could
have torn me apart. I
maybe would have gotten an
answer or two, and you
would have gotten the
satisfaction of taking your
game to another level. So I
ask you, searching for truth...
are you scared to talk with me.
I won't lie I'm terrified, that's
why I ignore you and that's why
today when you put your arm around
me I said "don't touch me." But
you have to admit you weren't
being you. You had such a
sarcastic tone in your voice
and you didn't need to tell me
that you already read that
poem, espeacially knowing that
I lied when I said I didn't
post it. By the way why are
you still reading my poems?
I mean when we were dating I
had to beg you and remind you
constantly to check the blender,
and now you just 'have' time for it?
You're right I really don't understand
you, I mean I get you, I have you
figured out, but I don't
understand you. Maybe because
I don't understand myself, but
even then I don't think
I'd understand you. Right
now I'm caught in my world
of contradiction, maybe this,
perhaps that. Up? Down? Umm...
how about just some where. I keep
trying to convince myself that
in six months I'll be gone,
and in two years I won't remember
you...maybe I won't, but I hope I
will. For now, however, I'd like
to think that I'm untouched,
that I came out of this relationship
the same as I came in, bitter,
cold and untouchalbe. I know you
can see right through me and
I hate that my God how I hate it.
I think I just should just stop.
EVERYTHING. Cut off all ties to
you. 5th hour, the play...
the blender. I've been thinking
about it a lot lately and
although no one else liked
it I very much enjoyed when
I kept to myself. My feelings,
my fears, and all the pain
I lock away.
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