By Misti Lake
Date: 27 February 2001
Where'd You Get Those Pretty Blue Eyes?
I.
in Goree where I remember beginning
Daddy had chicken coops in the backyard
and a swingset for me
once I saw a snake and screamed and ran inside
Daddy got his gun
but the snake was gone
Mom said my screams must have scared him
away
Daddy liked to watch football games and "Saturday Night Live"
Daddy liked to play Atari
Mom liked to cook and go to church
they had 45's
and eight tracks
which is how I came to know rock-n-roll
and syrupy love songs from the '50s
I thought Elvis and Donny and Marie lived inside
the speakers
I danced around the tiny den in my nightgown
showing off for the babysitter
on Friday nights
I was spanked with the leather belt a lot
Daddy had a red face temper
my most vivid memory of my life in Goree
is walking in on my parents seconds away from having sex
Daddy seeing me standing in the dark kitchen
and spanking me...beating me, really...with the belt
red faced and screaming
then Mom held me as I sobbed
I asked her why she didn't stop him
her subservience
wouldn't let her
II.
weekends in Bridgeport
with Meme and Pop
were safe
and magical
popsicles...popcorn...M&M cookies...Meme tickling my back
in the fairy tale brass bed in the guest room
telling me stories about Pocahontas and Suzi and Indian Chief
and the mean old witch in the woods who kidnapped the girls
and fed them cold pea soup
Meme and Pop were together because they adored each other
it wasn't a life sentence
he called her "girl"
she laid out his clothes for him every morning
Mamaw lived down the road in her trailer with wind chimes
and a vegetable garden in back
she would sit in her recliner and smoke
and tell me what it was like being an orphan
with a cardboard suitcase
knocking on doors with her sister
"Can we live with you?"
finding an unopened jar of pickles in the garbage
feeling like she'd found gold
She saw my bruises and asked about them
I always told her I'd fallen from a tree
she never believed me
and when I was older
Mamaw told me about Papaw
my daddy's hero
because of his rodeo fame
and award winning roosters
Papaw was a hero to many
I heard the story of the time
he got thrown from a bronc in a rodeo
got tangled up in barbed wire
lost his leg without anesthesia
because of all the alcohol in his system
this was in Beaumont
during the big hurricane
that wiped out Galveston
he prayed to God to get him through the pain
and promised he'd never touch the bottle again
he never did
but there were a lot of bottles and women before then
something in me crumbled
hearing my great-grandmother talk of
black eyes and walking in on her husband in bed
with her best friend
III.
married almost two months
and all the memories are grinding me to dust
remembering the little girl I was
and sometimes still am
and the examples and the stories
the brief glimpses of love
the stretches of horror
how can I fashion something lasting and precious out of
all of this?
Mom tells me that Jesus is the answer
Mamaw would say the same
Meme and my sister agree
but I'm looking at the glowing refineries
feeling numb
quizzing death.
IV.
such a pretty little girl
where'd you get those pretty blue eyes?
do you have a boyfriend?
...don't swim in the mud...
...you look like a doll in this dress and petticoat...
...when you're a big girl the boys will be standing in
line...
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