By Anonymous
Date: 23 February 2001

UNREQUITABLE

“O, learn to read what silent love has writ:
To hear with eyes belongs to love’s fine wit.”
--Shakespeare, Sonnet XXIII

“Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can the floods drown it.”
--Song of Solomon

“Love is the fart/ Of every heart:
It pains the man when ‘tis kept close,
And others doth offend/ When ‘tis let loose”
--John Suckling

************************************************

Hello there, Bright Eyes!

You didn’t expect to find me here, did you?
But maybe you hoped (I hope you hoped)
For another encounter, like the ones before
   Or maybe even… Something More!

You haven’t forgotten, have you
Those moments of meeting?
For me it was like suddenly opening eyes
Awaking from dreaming of being alive!

See, I spend most my time in a lack-purpose state
In shadows and half-tones of gray-colored life
Accepting unquestioned my fortunes, my fate
Ambling haply around until you happened by
And magicly, mysticly drew me awake
Blinking and winking and drinking in eyes
Dazzling, prismatic, hypnotically bright
Eyes brimming with life like a cup running over
Eyes dancing with light like the sun on clear water
As bright to my mind as a stage in a play:
I could not help myself – I could not look away!
I got lost in those eyes, found myself somewhere else
At least one horizon from where I had dwelt
An enchantment not only of all I could see
But of all that I was, all I felt, hoped to be!
And all of a sudden my molasses thick tongue
Became nimble with all that I’ve heard, seen or done
(But maybe you thought I was always that way
     not knowing how seldom I have much to say)
The best of my best I beamed out at you
I was hoping that you would wake up to me, too!
And I think that you did; we kept talking and laughing
Going on, on and on, like we could talk until dawn

And that look that you sent!
     (when I looked, saw you looking)
All arch-eyed and side-long, sly-grinned and twinkling
As if: “Did you REALLY connect what I meant?”
As if all our words back and forth to each other
Skipped like stones on some unseen romantical waters
And the real meanings rippled and pulsed and entwined
To be sorted out when they all washed up later
On the shores of my hungry-for-more-meaning mind

And it all made me Feel:
    Like a strong needful tide
    Was swelling up from inside
    As unconscious of sin
    As first love must have been
    O! such bittersweet hauntings:
    Not-knowing… but Wanting!

And your Look and my Feeling cried out:
    “Give us more!”
“Let’s wade into those waters!”
    “Splash about and explore!”
But just as we seemed to concede that we need us
There’s a pause, there we stopped-
    there’s no future between us
Regardless of what else might still be in store
We must bow to the virtue of other agreements
That are sound, that are good
    that just can’t be ignored
And those ripples of seeming to need Something More
Must fade as we watch, each from our own shore
So we lowered our eyes
    Turned our heads, walked away
       And went our own separate
          Best left alone ways…

************************************************

But what can you do with the leftover feelings?
That sparkle and dance and delight and ignite you 
But otherwise could not or should not be seen?
When something inside you yells
    “Something must give!”
When other-self dreams
    have their own will to live
The decisions we make and the roads that we take
    (like the Choice of all choices
    that we vow not to break
    that’s an exitless highway
    however smooth, sweet and straight!)
Can close off later turns 
    that just might have been great
And then just for spite (or a side-twist of fate?)
Our road winds us close to a might-have-been site
Invites us to wonder, “Is it really too late?”
Can other-self dreams be brought into the light?
Without crossing the line into something not right?
That would fester in dark self-denying suppression
If not given release, not allowed an expression
There MUST be a side-road or circuitous route
That lets all these leftover Feelings get out!
	
       (And surely it’s not so uncommon a sin
	that, having agreed to become Man and Wife
	never to let thoughts of others get in
	yet, while truly intending to stay there for life
	to be haunted by wonders of what might-have-been!)

************************************************

And so here I am
The only way that I can
Stuttering, sputtering, spitting out lines
Giving vent to the steam from hot music inside
Are you with me so far? Do you know how this feels?
Did I leave you with feelings that can’t be revealed?
Then perhaps you, like me, need a little bit more
To acknowledge, to vent, to explore
    hidden meanings
One more time, for a moment, no matter how fleeting
I’ve acknowledged our past 
    with this present, this letter
Could I not then go on to reach into a future?
So read on! if you dare (or if not, it’s your choice)
And I’ll let all my Look-inspired dreams take their course
Imagining for both the potential we lack
While massaging with words 
    both your mind and your back…

************************************************

“My mind?  Well, maybe… but my back?”
    you might ask
I’ll admit it’s a bit of a stretch of a task
To reach out and touch you at so great a distance
Will require your imagination’s assistance

A backrub, 
    which might be exchanged by acquaintance
Could mean anything, nothing
    like a smile or a dance
Providing a way two can safely explore
Without getting too far out from familiar shores

But what I need for this tale is the form of the thing
Since our eyes would not meet,
    won’t exchange piercing glances
(Which is not much unlike our enforced circumstances)
Then our minds in that dark would be free 
    to take wing
Free to unleash the things that we most need to say
Things that might not be said in the broad 
    light of day

And is it not strange that to take this thing further
We must go without eyes that first brought us
    together?
Yet even if I had you here in my sight 
Had the right to drink deep with unquenchable eyes
I’d forego, for a time, that most enviable prize
To dive deeper into that which makes your eyes bright!

****************************************************

So sit forward, if you will
    and think me behind you
Imagine my hands, firm and warm, strange and new
Kneading and stroking and tracing your back
Gripping out to your shoulders
    down each side of your spine
Drop your head; arch your back
    just let go and unwind!
I can feel you relax as we gossip and laugh
We sing the Song of Ourselves 
    as we talk this and that
Of books, movies, music
And loves past, and losses, and dreams
And “He said” and “She said” 
And things we have seen

And quicker and thicker thoughts bloom,
    spring to mind
Then to tongue in attempting
    to spring out in time
Before talk that careens in and out of control 
Quickly gets too far downstream for THAT
     to get told
A profusion of meaning spills at near-fission speeds
And just dances at edges of half-guessed-at needs
Somehow leaving unstated our most-purposed fact
As on purpose we trust us to time-inspired tact

And I think that it’s this I love most of romance:
This tacit refraining from plumbing full deepness
Is itself, of itself, a most sweet shared agreement

Now I nudge you and smile
Now you push me and grin
After some sly or clever
    conversational spin
Now we’ll just sit together
Not saying a thing
(It’s a mystical thing
when the silences sing!)

************************************************

Having talked now, and touched
We’re a bit more familiar
The first building blocks laid 
Of our time spent together
And if we seem to agree 
    that things are sure to get better
Then it’s time to move on!
    (do I dare? Yes, I do!)
Leaning forward I’ll brush back 
    your hair with my cheek
My mouth within sense but not touch of your ear
And I’ll dream to you, softly
    with breath-holding care
Of one night, and how we might
    spend it together…

**************************************************

At a lone seaside cabin
At dusk of an evening 
Arriving all worn out 
From talking and laughing, drinking and eating	
And the dwindling day
Makes the glow from inside
Light the porch like the prow of a Mystery ship
Afloat on a high-rolling sea of dark waves
As if poised to sail off to some starry domain
And yet… drifting, 
    a little uncertain, a little off course
Since we who are guiding this cruise of the night
Find ourselves all at once rather timid and shy
In the uncharted waters
    of just you and I …         

**********************************************

So we’d better part ways for a while, half an hour
I’ll draw you a bath then I’ll go to my shower
And we’ll let all that’s happened so far 
    just soak in
While we ourselves soak, and soften away
All our tensions and fears
With the dust of the day…

    …I’m alone now
    In the hot pelting water and billowing steam
    But a vision is rising, a gauzy white dream
    Of you in the bath piled with white satin foam
    Your hair, neck and shoulders
        and one arching knee
    And a candlelit wineglass are all I can see
    Then you rising slowly
    Hidden curves are unfolding
    While I’m pouring water, warm, fresh and clean
    Rinsing away scraps of suds that still cling
    Cascading in sheets down your soft-muscled back
    Rushing downward and outward and inward and then
    Falling off from between as a watery curtain
    No no! Don’t turn around!
    Let the urgency linger-
    Even in dreams some must be saved for later!

************************************************

Back out on the porch in the balmy salt air
With a pregnant wind stirring  
    your still damp edged hair 
We stand at the rail looking somewhere out there
Over white-capping seas lit by million-star skies
And the pearl-silver glow of a moon
     soon to rise
All reflecting in brightly anticipant eyes
That I suddenly find are turned upward to mine
And dancing,
As if to the tune of a barely heard chime:
    “Now’s the time
         now’s the time
             now’s the time
                 now’s the time…”

************************************************

But wait! This won’t do, it’s too plain and simple
I need for this moment to be extra special!
So come on, 
Take my hand, and I’ll lead you inside
To the crackling fire and a soft blanket pile
And I’ll show you a game that I’ve wanted to try:
Kneel down on the floor, palms to front, 
    facing me
Close your eyes and we’ll get
    just as close as can be
Without touching! Held apart by force!
Can we feel without touch?
Close our eyes but still see?
Let the world fall away now
    lift us drifting in space
Let’s be nothing but us now
    mind to mind, face to face

We’re both ends of a magnet 
In suspended attraction; in separate union
Like a moon and a planet
Or like human bookends at imperfect attention
Weaving and wavering and savoring the tension
Of bodies that almost but then not quite meet
And each near-miss quivers with tingles of heat
As your breath shudders rhythmicly, surf-like on mine
Humidly hinting a warm musky sweetness
Thrilling my senses like fine subtle wine
With it’s whisper of innermost intimate secrets
That draws me in closer and closer until
I can’t stop myself, and our parted mouths meet
Lightly at first, dry from breathing, yet firm
Then softening, turning, to match curve to curve
Then harder and wetter and slicker and faster
As the giving-in gains the more dominant power
And quicker than flickers of flames races outward
Consuming like paper the forces that part us
While attractions we felt all along that remain
Suck us into each other like great surging waves:

    Waves that start out as ripples on separate shores
    Waves that swell with the need to achieve 
        Something More
    Waves that crest every dam for just one moment’s sake
        arching higher with heightening anticipation
    Waves that find and combine headlong forces and break
    Into thousands of sky-flung, moon-shimmered sensations
    And collapse then in undulant, up-heaving wakes
    Shifting, uplifting real dreams, right or wrong
        Sending wave after wave, waking song upon song 
            Blending bright Looks and Feelings
                Going on, on and on…

But wait wait wait wait!
I could go “on and on,” I would think, for forever
With nothing to stop me since there’s nobody here
You can’t stiffen up, pull away with a shiver
Since I’m rubbing no shoulders, I whisper no ear
My words must be sent out with breath-holding trust
But what if I’m sending: fear, anger, disgust
That clouds your eyes into a dull vacant stare
Instead of the brightness I feel, and would share
Did I gather too much from that now-distant Look?
Was the Feeling unfounded that from it I took?
And yet even as I’m confounded with doubt
And wonder if I should just scrap all these lines
That magical Look that you gave comes back out
From inside me, and how it still glitters and shines!
So I will send this out! As my feeling demands
I will trust that Look!  I must take the chance!
Then we might for a time at least distantly dance
And if it was good, if you liked it, and then
You should ever just happen to see me again
Just tip me a Look, and a wink and a grin
Telling me you agree!
Something More MIGHT HAVE BEEN!!!