By laurel ahlfeld drama_queen_ja@hotmail.com
Date: 13 April 2001

The Magic Eightball

   Of all the gentlemen in my life, one always stands out in my mind. Frequently, if not daily I wonder how he is and whether or not I should pick up the phone and call. Time and time again, I'll decide against it. The answer has become so monotonous that I feel somewhat like the broken Magic Eightball I keep on the night stand next to my portable phone. The reply is halfway stuck between << No. Never. >> and << Definitely not. >>
  
   He may not be the stuff that dreams are made of, but none of my objects of affection ever were. When we met, he talked too fast. As a result, his words were a jumbled mess. He had so much to do and say that he couldn't waste a minute. Eventually, my ears adapted to his speaking rate and his quirky habit seemed to disappear completely. His ambitious attitude even sparked the beginning of my interest in him. We shared the same kind of humor, interests, and even family life. We clicked from day one and a year later, found ourselves driving two hours to see the other's plays. Productions were very mutual places to see each other. No one thought anything of it. All good, caring people should support their friend's talents, right? Right. Oh, and when I said "no one", I meant no one except my mother. She knows everything. Even things I don't want her to know. She questioned me and helped me realize how I really felt about him. Then she left the rest up to me. Soon after that, I wrote him saying maybe we should try dating. Two weeks later his letter read, "Sure! Maybe we should?" I reached for the phone, knocking the eightball to the floor and breaking the darn thing. << ..o. Never. Definitely no... >> burned into my eyes, and I slowly sat the phone back on the receiver. To this day, I've never gone on a date with him.
  
   That memory came flooding back at me tonight when a friend called to tell me how everyone was. Who is dating who, which school everyone is at, where everyone lives; a reasonably normal phone call until she got to him. I asked how he was, and then she dropped the bomb.
  
   "Oh, he just came out of the closet. We all knew it was coming."
  
   They did? Oh, I meant of course they did. Well, I sure didn't! Why didn't someone warn me? I ended the conversation quickly and sat in silent desperation. Trying to get over it, I turned on the lamp and reached for the newspaper.
  
   Headline: Dolphins to lose star player? Coach says, "No, never! Definitely not."
  
   Well, that didn't work as planned. I flung the paper in the trash just as the phone rang. "No not again! I don't want to talk to anyone with this on my mind."

   "Hello?"
  
   "Hey, it's me. I'm just calling to clear up some nasty rumors."

   "Oh."

   "Yes. I'm not gay."

   "Oh? Well...okay!"

   "Gotta go...many more to call. See you soon?"

   "Of course!"
  
   "Love you. Bye."

   *click*

   My hands trembled with joy as I set the phone down, knocking the eightball off again. "You'd think I'd learn from the first ti..."

   << Try again later. >>

   So I did.

   "Hello?"

   "Hey, it's me this time."

   "Oh."

   "I was calling to ask you something"

   "Oh? Okay."
  
   "Would you like to go out tomorrow night?"

   "Of course!"

   "Okay then! Love you. Bye."

   *click*
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