By Dionysus
Date: 14 April 2001
A Redeemed Soul
Dear Thuy,
Falling in love is the single most frightening experience for all of us fumbling mortals. Once fallen under its hypnotic spell, our dear hearts are highly vulnerable to pain and regrettable consequences. Before my path intersected with Destiny, I had had my fair share of shattered dreams and broken hearts. In fact, for a very long time I locked my heart away in a cold, utterly isolated dungeon of loneliness. I became a spiteful person whose sole existence was to convince others that love was nothing more than an illusion, a cheap counterfeit born out of sheer vanity. Then, of course, Destiny came along with a special key to unlock my cynicism. Speaking about lost love and its tragic consequence, let me share with you another page from my journal. it is a poignant journey of personal redemption and lost love. Even now, the profound impact of the experience continues to reverberate in almost every aspect of my love life. You see, Thuy, there is an undeniable truth that all personal growth, all personal damage and regression, as well as all personal healing, come through our relationship with others. What I am, at any given moment in the process of my becoming a person, will be determined by my relationships with those who love me or refuse to love me, and with those who I love or refuse to love. It is certain that a relationship will be only as good as its communication.
On a bleak twilight evening of February, as the night began to cast its dark shadow, I started to drive home from UCI on the 405 North bound. One moment I was thinking about school and exams, then the next my heart was filled with an aching sense of regret and remorse. For exactly three years ago today, my life took on a new dimension when she showed me all the splendors of love with such tenderness and sweetness. In return, I thoughtlessly broke her gentle heart into bits and pieces. Unable to endure the flooding torment of regrets any further, in a split moment I decided that no matter what the consequences may be, do or die, make or break, I had got to clear my guilt ridden conscience by seeing her one last time to say what needed to be said--but never did. A few months before, by a chance encounter, one of her old friends bumped into me and mentioned that she was studying at some D.O. school out in Kansas City. That was all the information I had to go on as I began to head northeast on the 15 freeway which would connect to the 70 East. For two hellish days I drove unstop to Kansas City. Along the way I came within inches from driving off a sheer nine thousand feet cliff in Vail, Colorado. Now keep in mind, Thuy, the self-redeeming pilgrimage was a complete spur of the moment sort of thing. I did not prepare for it in advance nor took the time to check on road conditions and weather. My 1982 Honda Accord was designed for city driving only. Anyway, there I was caught in a blinding snow storm along the treacherous mountainous roads of the Rockies, and the balding tires could barely stick to the icy road. Then suddenly, I hit something on the road with my right tire and all hell broke loose as the car spinned counterclock-wise. It must have spun at least three or four times before slamming into a thick snowbank on the side of the road. The snowbank was the creation of snowplowing truck as it plowed snow off the street and deposited along the sides. Without that snowbank, I wouldn't be typing these words right now. Moments before colliding into the snowbank, I seriously thought life was definitely over. When the car finally stopped, I rolled down the right window and peered only to see that I came within six inches from sliding off the road into the abyss below. Talking about luck! Undaunted, I continued to push ahead after a real nice guy stopped and pulled my car out with chains. Many times I wanted to turn back and forget the whole ordeal, but something kept pushing me forward like it was a destiny which I had to fulfill. I cut through the thick of the night and by dawn, I reached the vast, flat plain of Kansas. I didn't stumble into Kansas City until late in the afternoon, and snow was falling heavily everywhere. All the warm clothing I had on was a light jacket, jeans, and a pair of sneakers. Hadn't eaten nor drank nor slept for two days, yet I didn't feel a bit tired as my adrenaline was running high. In Kansas City, I called information for the location of D.O. schools--one in Kansas City, Kansas, and the other in Kansas City, Missouri! I called the student affairs of both school to verify her enrollment and nailed it to the one in Missouri. The school officials refused to give out neither phone number nor address. That meant I had to look for her in the classrooms, and it was getting late to drive another three hours or so. That night, I parked in the Holiday Inn's lot and passed out cold in the freezing temperature. I didn't come out of my deep slumber until one o'clock in the afternoon. The three hours drive to the school gave me ample time to rehearse exactly what to say once I see her (again no food or water, just do my morning routine in a gas station's restroom). The drab looking school located in the middle of nowhere. Surrounded the four medium size buildings was a vast snow field with gentle rolling hills. I parked on the outskirt and tread my way through to the sprawling campus. One by one, I peered inside each lecture hall and lab searching for her. My persistence paid off at last; I found her sitting in the third row inside a small lecture hall. Standing outside in the snow, patiently waiting for class to get out, I realized for the first time that all the happy years we were together and the painful months of wallowing in regrets, all boiled down to this very moment. All the wrongs and woes and pains that I had inflicted upon her would be redeemed once and for all right here and now. Students began to shuffle out the door, and I stood ten feet away. For what seemed like an eternity, she came out with books and notebooks in arms. Tears burnt down my cheeks as I struggled to cry out her name. She looked up. We both stood there, frozen in time while other students were dashing around in all directions. At last, she approached me with a bewildered look and asked in a rather annoying voice, "What the hell are you doing here?" My poor heart sank. In all the times I knew her, I never heard such cold, disdainful tone of voice. In a blink of an eye, stood before me was a woman I no long recognized. "Now, stay away from me, and just leave me alone." She started to walk away. I bolted after her and grabbed her arm, "Please, Le, I have come a long way, too long, to turn back now. Please, I can understand your hostility, but please let me say something..." "No, leave me alone." I began to shiver and suddenly felt very weak and cold. I threatened her that if she would not grant me just ten minutes, I would follow her around everywhere forever until she listened to what I had to say. Looking nervously, she agreed under one condition that afterward I would never bother her again. Fine. Three things, just three things I wanted to say and I would be out of her life forever. Calmed down a bit, she stood there gazing deep into my tear-filled eyes as though she was trying to search for something. The truth, perhaps. First, I apologized for everything, the pains and misery that I've caused. For what it's worth, I begged her to forgive my mistakes. I was too young and foolish then to realize that precious treasure I had. She stared at me in silence for a long time, then a tiny smile broke out across her lips. Yes, she forgave me. I asked her for a hug to ratify the authenticity of her conviction. Man, never in my life did an embrace feel so good. Second, was there any chance, any shred of chance at all, if I could do anything, to have her back. A resolute no. She had already been unofficially engaged to an American guy. Her family didn't know about it yet. I breathed out a sigh of sadness, and relief at the knowledge that it was now really, truly over between us. Lastly, as two decent, civilized human beings, could we still be friends, I asked. Thanks, but no thanks. She just didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I understood. I stood there lost in those beautiful brown eyes one last time. Somewhere a chilling westward breeze came chuckled over the hills, and the dancing snowflakes waltzed through the air around us. I held her hands and said that she did not fall in love with a jerk. I proved it by enduring the tortuous trek out here in search for her. And that for a very long time, I too, suffered the pains, and miseries, for which I alone was responsible. I wished her all the luck in the world, and that she deserved all the happiness this life had to offer. She had taught me much - love, maturity, life, and for all that, I would never forget her. Have a good life, I softly kissed her for the very last time, and held her tight in my quivering arms. She was glad to see me too. In more ways than one, my presence had done her a lot of good too. With those words, she bid me farewell. I stood there watching her disappear into a nondescript building. By now the late afternoon sun was fading fast over the grayish, omniously over cast sky. Standing amid the windswept snow field, I looked around and breathed the air in like a tourist, trying to sense the uniqueness of the place, as if later I might be able to summon it back. From this very place, I had redeemed myself and found a blissful salvation. The burden of enduring the unremitting guilts and pains suddenly vanished into the vastness of this place. I tell you, Thuy, no movie or novel could possibly capture the sheer gravity of that moment. A man, a simple man, had at last rediscovered the meaning of his life when he finally managed to let go of the past. Buoyed by the sudden euphoria of lust for life, I braced the chilling air and slowly staggered back to the car.
Everyone has his defining moment. A dramatic instance forever crystallized in time and space. It is a rare moment, Thuy, when an individual sees for the first time his own true self clearly and succintly. Indeed, love is a strange phenomenon that has the power to change us in way only time can tell.
A redeemed soul.
D.N.Au
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