By pix
Date: 1 May 2001
letter to my ex
Dear...
Every thought of you is two steps backwards in my heart, and i feel as
though i have stepped so far backwards that i would surely loose balance and
fall over the edge. Does that make sence to you? Because it seems like nothing
makes sence to you anymore. Definatly not us. We don't make sence to you. You
have made that clear through your cold looks and insensative words. I should
have returned the heartbreak a little, but i took it all upon my self. How
could you have time to miss me anyways? With moving on to the next girl so fast. But
i guess i'm okay with that because they say i'm better off with out you. They
say a lot of things actually. Things that i should have listened to earlier.
things like i'm too good for you and you are a cheater and i shouldn't get my hopes
up for you. Things like, you made out with my best friend when she was drunk
during the week that i was away on vacation, and while i was missing you the
whole time i should add. So it's clear to me now that i can do so much better
than you, but for some reason, after 4 months, i still think about you every
day. It's that sad? I must have really liked you. But i guess i'm used to taking
steps backwards. New Years Eve is a great example of that. I'm sure you knew
I went there to break up you and your girlfriend by hooking up with you. And
how easy was that? Almost too easy. You didn't even go after your girlfriend.
I guess that should be my little victory over you, but of course it turned around
on me and i ended up having feelings for you again. I can't even get revenge right
with you. And every night, i talk myself into thinking it's okay if we hook
up again over the summer and also it would be okay if i had sex with you
because i say i wouldn't regret it because you mean so much to me. That's the
saddest part. I agree to myself to give myself to you every night, and forget all
about that night when i saw you and you completely ignored me. I forget about
how immature you handled our break up and also how you've had sex with your
nymphomaniac ex-girlfriend so many times that it wouldn't even be special to you
like it would be to me. Thank God i have scott to tell me to stay away from you.
A part of me hates you, really hates you, from the core of my soul, to be more
poetic, i hate you from the center of my broken heart. And the other part of me
can't stop thinking about how you held my hand and kissed my neck and hugged me
so tight. I think about how maybe it was my fault because i didn't know what i was
doing with you because you were so experienced and i didn't know how to handle
that. But the truth is, i still don't. I want to be a virgin untill i really love
the guy, and as infatuated as i was with you, i know that it wasn't love.
So, i can try to tell myself that i won't hook up with you over the summer, but
i know that if i had any controll over that it would be a lie. I have your
respect right now, but i know that i would comprimise that for a kiss. so, i've
tried to re-invent myself for you. The new mustang, instead of the van, my new
clear skin, that's to accutane which made me a completly depressed, moody, bitch
for 3 months straight, the new clothes, every problem with my body worked out to
the best of my ability. And the final touch, taking your best friend to prom,
which i actually have to give myself props for because that is so good that i
amazed myself with pulling that one off. And also the drinking. You thought
that i was so innocent and good, but i've turned around on that one. I smoked a
cigarette, which is so against my morals that i can't even believe i did that.
I mean, that is just gross and a disguisting habbit which i yelled at kim for for
about 6 months. I'm going to Chico state. Chico, the party college, the place
where like 30 percent of california's alcohol is consumed. I'm not saying it's
for you that i'm going there, i mean, i would have gone there anyway, but you know
that i'm going to rub that one in your "Mesa Community College" face. So,
what's my point exactly? I don't even know. But i guess i just needed to say this
stuff, write it down and read it over when i start to think about you. I'm letting
other people read this, posting it up for them to see. Because i don't care
anymore. I'm sick of hidding my feelings for you. I don't know if i would even
call them feelings so much, but more like desires, selfish desires to just
hook up with you like 10 more times untill i go away to college. I know that
sounds bad, but it's the honest truth. I can't even move on to another guy,
because john, who is so hott and who i got along with so well and who would have
treated me so good (offering me his letterman jacket- that was so sweet) he wasn't
good enough for me because he wasn't you. So, i just want to get you out of my system.
I want to kiss you and then reject you. Well, i know i did that on new years, but
i want to do it again, in a way that really hits you and makes you feel the
pain i have felt for a year now. I want my revenge. I want you. And i'm going
to get you. I've made up my mind, i'll get you to want me so bad, and you'll
be begging for another chance, and i'll kiss you and let you want me, and then,
i'll cheat one you with chris, well anyone, i don't care, as long as you can feel
it. so, i guess i'm not so innocent after all. I guess i want to hurt you like
you hurt me, even though i know this is wrong for me and you. but what else can
i do? I can't go on, thinking of you all the time, i have to get over you, and
i don't know another way but to throw myself into it all again. so i guess i'll
see you in about a week or more, untill then, i guess i'll be getting ready.
-pix
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