By Misti Lake
Date: 14 April 2001
The Price Is Never Right
From the start, I knew Barker didn't love me. He was still hung up on a girl named Erin. They lived together in West Hollywood for a year. Then she dumped him for a guy who knew a girl who knew a girl whose cousin used to date Matt Damon.
I met Barker in a downtown bar in Chicago. He bought me a whiskey sour and a pack of Benson & Hedges.
"Barker...that's an unusual name," I told him.
"So is Merissa," he said.
"My mom thought Melissa was too common. And she loved mermaids."
"Ah. My father found an abandoned baby seal on a beach when he got back from Vietnam. Kept it as a pet. Named him Barker. Barker was shot and killed by a drunk redneck. So there you go."
We dated. Took it slow. Barker bought me a diamond pendant before we had sex, which I thought was good until I found out he didn't really buy it. He stole it from his aunt, who was dying of ovarian cancer. Not good.
At that point, I should've made like Joan Nesbit and put on my running shoes. But Easter was approaching and I didn't want to be alone. Barker bought me a chocolate bunny and I cried. My own parents never bought me a chocolate bunny. It never occurred to me to buy one for myself.
Many men have broken my heart, but Barker is the only man who has ever made me question my faith in humanity and my sexual orientation.
On a cold, rainy, windy, miserable morning in May my green car broke down on the way to the liquor store. Five months into the relationship and Barker and I were already beginning to resemble George and Martha from "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?." The guy at the liquor store knew me by name.
I tried to call Barker collect from a pay phone but he wouldn't accept the charges. So I walked two miles to the liquor store. Luckily, my guy Chad was there. He was sitting on his stool behind the counter reading a book of Bukowski's poems.
"Hey, Merissa. You're soaking wet."
Chad put down his book. He had the kindest green eyes. If I believed in auras, Chad's would be golden.
"My car broke down. I tried to call Barker collect. He wouldn't accept the charges. I walked here. In the rain."
Against my finer instincts, I began bawling. Thankfully, Chad wasn't repulsed. He walked over to me and gave me a hug.
"Shhh...it's okay. I'll give you a ride home. Come sit down."
I sat down on the stool and Chad brought me a plastic cup filled with my favorite beer.
"You're so benevolent. Thanks so much," I said.
"No problem," he said.
That night, I beat my feather pillow against the wall until all the feathers made a nest on the floor. Then I fell asleep and dreamed of Henry Valentine Miller. He was taunting me with a plastic banana, the bastard.
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