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By Charade Date: 2001 May 16 Comment on this Work [[2001.05.16.19.25.28669]] |
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He was eighteen. I was fifteen. He was gorgeous. The best looking guy I had ever seen. He was tall, slim, with raven black hair Beautiful sexy light green eyes. and an infectious smile. A smile that left you naked. That melted butter. A smile that could make a nun break her vows. A smile that would make the devil blush. His smile was the key to the intrigue. His cheeks had deep dimples, whenever he smiled. One of those half side smiles. That made you feel naughty all over. Whenever he looked at me, it was as if someone had drugged me. When his gaze met mine, my heart began to pound. I felt like running, but my legs would not move. The few times that he kissed me, I wanted to make it last forever. But somehow, he was destined to belong to others. After a time, I accepted this fact. I knew it was just not meant to be. I reasoned within myself, that he had no personality. He did not need a personality, because he had such good looks. I convinced myself, that good looking people must be dull. He was no good for me, women would devour him. He would not be able to resist their advances. He oozed with sex appeal. He would only drive me crazy. Like the wolf who could not reach the grapes, they must be sour. I never thought about him again. Many years passed by. I went on with my life. There were several times when I was alone, and so was he but the thought never entered into my head, to ever see him again. Then one day We met again. I didn't recognize him. Except for his smile. Damn... That same sexy smile Those deep dimples Those light green eyes that have softened with age. Now I find myself, having to deal with a dream from my past. Stirring up old feelings, which I thought had long been erased. I almost cannot stand it. It seems like a torment from out of hell. I thought I had gotten over him long ago, when I was still young. What was there to get over ? We had never been together. Just a few kisses. I never even knew him at all. Nothing. Just a teenage crush, just a fascination. Can infatuations be that strong ? Can they hurt that much ? Now I am letting my past teenage feelings, color my vision. Why can't I let my mind and reason override my stupid fixation? At times, I felt like calling the whole thing off. He didn't want me then, when I was perfect and young. Why would he want me now. Why am I allowing myself to get hurt again. Haven't I hurt enough. Can I look at him, without being the foolish teenager again? The damn feelings are there, worse than ever. I want to run. This time I can run. I can hide. I can bury myself forever. It is not fair to him or to me, to have to deal with this fascination. I am trying so hard to sort out my feelings. I keep saying to myself, you hardly know him. You have never known him. Can I deal with this? I am trying. When I hear his voice - my heart begins to pound, dammit. All these years, and his voice hasn't changed. That damn deep devilish soothing sexy voice. The same damn pounding when I was so young. Just seeing his name in print, stirs feelings so deep, such pain. I still don't know what to do, or how to stop this crazy spinning. I am hanging on by a thread - I want to cut the cord, but I can't. I must allow myself to see clearly, and see that he is a real person. I will just sit back, and listen, and look, and stop this fascination. Learning to be friends with him Is going to be the hardest challenge I will ever do. . |