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By B. Gaddy Submitted by snappychck Date: 2001 Jul 04 Comment on this Work [[2001.07.04.23.38.32714]] |
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I am amazed, and astounded. I didn't think I'd make it this long. The phone beckons me, dials his number, in my mind. But I've resisted. I haven't given in. I haven't called to beg forgiveness or chew his ass. I haven't called. I won't see him for three more days at least. But I feel him now beside me inside me. I see his face, scrolled across lined paper, More beautifull than ever. It makes me furious, makes me weep, and overwhelms me. Why can't I stop thinking of him, and more important - do I want to?!?! He hasn't called yet either. I wonder if the phone teases him also. Does he stop thinking about me? Even for a minute? Is he occupied with other loves or other needs? I ask myself and hope I don't know the answer. Four days past Thursday and I feel like a kaleidescope. I haven't been the same person for longer than half an hour. My view of myself keeps changing in the light -he is the light- And I keep changing the way I feel. I love him, constantly, but hate him every now and then. I also hate myself for hating him. But hate gives way to confusion, which gives way to lust, madness, starvation, gluttony, piety, hunger, need, love... temptation. "Call him," the phone demands. "Drive by his house" insists my car. "Love him, need him, cherish him, trust him" replies my heart. I'm afraid of what I've done to him and what's become of myself. What if I go insane? What if I AM insane? Does he value sanity as I do? I certainly hope not... or hope so. Fear penetrates in other ways. What if I've lost him? Could I really drive him away? What if I've done something unforgiveable? Do I really stand a chance? More questions, still no answers. HE, is the only answer, and HE doesn't call. Four days past Thursday. I could have sworn a year. I've probressed, regressed, built, destroyed, changed and stayed the same much more than in any previous year or all years combined. I've become a monster and a gnome. I understand and yet, confussion reigns in the kingdom of my senses. "Duplicity" has declared itself my middle name. And I agree -- it fits. Four days past Thursday and today grows late, too. Today I was insanity incarnate, temptation grew into need. The phone was out of reach thankfully. But my car... I kept my distance from his home, but knew he wasn't there. I wonder if he saw my car drive past his classroom window. I know I must have passed it - several times. I traced our steps through his city. I laughed where we had laughed, and cried in his favorite ally. I wished he was there so I could have kissed him instead, and more... But wishfulness rivals Duplicity and I am wishing too much as of late. Fire-ravished California on some distant mountain range. I wept for those it left disheartened, and felt selfish just the same. My tears have become my best fried. I know them well, their salty-sweet taste and hate that. Yet as today draws closed I feel a fresh batch of tears well up. Four days past Thursday will end the same way five is greeted. |