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By Elaina Submitted by where is your heaven Date: 2001 Dec 09 Comment on this Work [[2001.12.09.22.53.10489]] |
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All the times I wished for you to speak seem to unravel, now, when I wished you were silent. My heart hangs lifelessly grasping for some sense of truth, and you confess all I've ever wanted to hear. I always thought those words would bring contentment, but now only confusion. For a moment I thought the hard to say love song was what I deserve and now I realize it was only to your benefit. I think it hurt you more to see that I could be ok without you and move on than it did for you to actually break my heart. You needed to prove to yourself that I indeed still love you, and forever will not rid me of my heartache. And perhaps I'm just saying this to make myself feel better. I've had this conversation once before with someone not like you at all, and it hurts me more that I think of them and all the pain they caused me. And you, when I least expect it, throw the same line. I understand loosing feeling for someone and gaining it for another and leaving beause the feeling is gone. But telling me that you are in love with two people, I'll never understand. Maybe because since the moment I fell in love with you I have not been able to even look at someone else. And what I truly believe, what I can see, is that you don't love either of us. You're afraid to be alone. I can't imagine putting someone in the situation that I don't know who I want. I've never had to question that. I feel I'm sinking and still you offer no assistance. Maybe that's my own fault for not express myself when I had the chance. But it's hard to shake the feeling you'd ignore me, smile and nod, if I were to open my mouth. I'm so afraid to tell you how I feel. Scared I may push you away, or draw you in. Something which you need to decide on your own. There is nothing that would soothe me more than for you to just say how you feel in the simplest terms. If you love her, then you should not keep secrets, and if you love me you shouldn't have left me in the first place. If you don't love me than there is no more need for my tears and my sleepless nights. Because if you don't love me, I'm done. You think love can't happen until we are older. But you can't set boundries on love or you will never find it. There is nothing I have ever wanted more than to be in love, however, more than that I don't want to be hurting. So if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me, then I will forget you. I will let you love her and I will not interfere. I will disappear from your life and let you forget me. My heart won't heal, if I keep letting you hurt it. And yes, I'm blaming myself. Instead of helping you with your problems,I helped you dig a deeper hole. I'm sorry I even said yes. I'm so, so sorry. Because I seem to do nothing but hurt myself and those I love, I'm silencing myself. Becoming numb to life and it's annoying little quirks. I've failed, and that's all you need to know. I'm closing my heart. For you, my love, I'm silencing myself. |