By Elaina
Submitted by where is your heaven
Date: 2001 Dec 29
Comment on this Work
[[2001.12.29.04.42.21602]]

Half Empty

It blows my mind to think I started dating you just as a tool to get back at two people who hurt me. Now I find myself, a year and four months later, telling you I love you. Nothing can compare to the warmth of your arms, and yet the cold bitter truth stops me from enjoying that warmth. Lately I've been questioning why am I still here, letting myself suffer, why can't I walk away? If the answer to all those is love, I would then have to ask why does it hurt so bad? I asked you a while ago...why don't you feel guilty for cheating on your girlfriend...you told me...because it was with someone you cared for the way they cared for you. Well, why aren't you with me then. I know, I know...time. But, you see, with all this time passing us by, I feel more pain and I begin to hate you for it. It scares me, I suppose I scare myself. I let myself fall for you, and I know the exact moment I couldn't turn back. It went something like this...
        You: I'm suprised you haven't asked why there is    only one white rose and five red.
        Me: Why is there only one white rose?
        You: Well, there is suppose to be three red and three white, but they only had one white rose left.
        Me: Oh, what do white roses mean?
        You: Forever.
        Me: Oh, what do red roses mean (even though I knew the answer)?
        You: Love.
        Me: Oh.
That wasn't very long ago, and that whole time I laid next to you telling myself we would make it through, even though I was 1500 miles away. Now I'm here two blocks from you. You ask me to wait, and I've told you that's not fair. You then told me well don't wait. So do you even care? I guess I can't help but wait. (Even though it's killing me). If I could only show you how I die every time I kiss someone else's lips or hold another persons hand. I always question if my need for attention from other guys relates to you some how, and yes it does. Because in my moment of decision I think of you kissing her lips and I feel justified letting someone take advatage of me. I hate to play the blame game, but you did bring this upon yourself. You moved on before I even had a clue what was going on. You know how pessimistic I am, this glass is half empty. I feel I've been so badly beaten, my heart strains to beat. But it beats none the less, if only for you, in hopes I'll be able to keep you consistant. Only I know if we were ever together again, I wouldn't be able to help but worry when you are with other girls, throw a fit if you went skinny dipping without me there. (Ironic, huh)? I don't want to hold you down, keep you for happiness, and I can safetly say if I'm ever left for another again, I will wither away. And I'd constantly be terrified that you would do that again. It makes even less sense, because I trust you more than anyone. I could spend hours on end rambling on about nothing and listen to you do the same. I have many fond memories. I have countless pages of poems I've written for you. I've spent these last couple of days so happy with you, yet so afraid. I wanted to tell you a million times if you care for me at all, you won't kiss me. But then, I thought, maybe I should let your actions speak for themselves. As you know patience is not one of my virtues. And I go crazy waiting for anything. I wish there was a way for you to understand what I'm feeling. And don't say you do. When 'she' was put in the position to choose...she choose you no questions asked. And me I'm still running to catch up. I say nothing now, because I've said all I can...I'm begining to sound repetitive. I can do nothing else, because I have done all I can to try to convince you how completely I care about you. So my stubborn heart will go on waiting. My eyes will continue to cry. My mind will keep throwing me falsely into others arms. My conscience will continue to tell me horrible I am...fat, lazy, selfish, stupid, love blind...and I really feel that way lately. I know I always say I'm drwoning and you offer no assistance. Well, this time I'm falling harder, faster, and with absolutly no sight. I'm asking you know if you can either catch me or let me fall...there is no in-between.