|
By wistful Date: 2002 Apr 22 Comment on this Work [[2002.04.22.21.18.8190]] |
|
As my heart lays out the facts, my heart protests: *Head: he lied to you about being married *Heart: he didn't want to lose me *Head: you had to drag the truth out of him even after he decided to work on himself and his marriage *Heart: he was still avoiding hurting me *Head: you don't have the time to waste waiting on a possibility. You may never be able to trust him. *Heart: I have great faith in his love and his ability to get through this. *Head: he's not very loving now, is he? *Heart: No, but he's in pain. He's confused. If I really love him, shouldn't I be able to wait? *Head: for what purpose? To what end? At what odds? You'll only resent him in the long run, for having to wait, for the time he needs, for the process he has to go through to even be a possibility of a potential mate. You know you are not the most patient creature. . . *Heart: I'm afraid that I'll never find another love like this. That a love like what I want is forever an illusion. . . *Head: so what do you want? You can't be with him. Staying in contact will just continue to hurt you. And I'll only try to mess with him. Nothing will be without hidden agendas and other motives. That is not the basis of real friendship *Heart: I hurt so much to be so easily dismissed from his life. *Head: Even if it is the only right answer? *Heart: Yes. Even so. I rail against what must be, what is right, for what I want to be, what I could have had. *Head: But it was an illusion *Heart: but such a beautiful one *Head: You should be grateful that his wife returned so quickly; this same scenario could have happened much further into the relationship, with much more painful consequences *Heart: It's hard to imagine it could be more painful *Head: Be grateful that you have not known greater pain; so many have. *Heart: I'm also afraid to let go of the love too easily. That it will prove me somehow shallow; it will say I didn't really love him. *Head: Would you rather be needy, dependent, and unrequited? Maybe the letting go is a point of strength, not a point of weakness. *Heart: I almost feel as if I'm betraying myself by letting go, and looking elsewhere. That I said it was true love, and poured so much of myself into the relationship, that I will lose some of myself in trying to go on. *Head: You were lied to! You based all decisions, all emotions, all investments based on lies. Not just lies of omission, but baldfaced lies! You have everything to gain by moving on. *Heart: But when is the right time to go back out there? I so want a lasting, honest, deep love to share with someone. But I want to do it right. *Head: Well, we'll have to make a list, of what we want/need. And maybe more importantly, what is not a requirement. We are looking for a human being after all. Not a god. *Heart: Ah. . . god. That's a whole 'nother conversation. . . |