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By Savannah Haze Date: 2002 Aug 11 Comment on this Work [[2002.08.11.09.45.31244]] |
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Sunday morning and I overslept again. I couldn't leave the dream that had been running through my head all night. It was you and me, our year together. It seems I remember it much more clearly when I don't try. I remember now the aching I felt when I was away from you, often when we were just a room's length apart. And now our lives have somewhat crossed again. Seeing you, hearing your voice. The way you touch me and look at me, the tones you speak in. They are all so familiar, yet they are not. How is it you give me now, in the little windows we are together, what I wanted when I was completely yours? Despite the smoke and music and laughter, you make me feel that we are alone. When you hold me, I sense a fear of letting go. Your voice has changed. Vulnerability resounds in the words you speak, even in your laughter. There are times I can barely look in your eyes because I don't know how to respond to what I feel when mine meet yours. Why is it now you want me so close to you when I crowded you before? Have you forgotten all that was said? The hours? The screams? The curses? Or do you only remember the late night drives? The long mornings in bed? Days spent, locked away in the house, making love, watching TV, playing guitar... naked? What remains of me? I was not making excuses as to why I couldn't come Friday... but I'm glad that I had a reason. Seeing you leaves me confused for days. Most of me knows to run, try to forget. But the rest remembers things that you did. The way you'd massage my tired hands. The way you would push my hair away from my neck and wake me with your kisses. Looking across the table with the most piercing eyes and telling me I'm beautiful. The little names you'd call me. Little selfish things that I wanted only for me. These things remain and always will. It is something so sweet when I see you but something so painful, too. Do you still desire me? And if you do, is it me you desire? Or the idea of me? Is it because you want me? Or because you lost me? Or even that I have fallen beyond your reach for so long? So many words and still I cannot put onto paper all that I feel right now. It's almost troubling to have you love me, yet I can't stand the thought of losing your love. And I know how selfish that makes me. |