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By coujeaux Date: 2002 Oct 13 Comment on this Work [[2002.10.13.14.00.13158]] |
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All was not quiet and harmonious in Heaven. A debate had raged there for eons, as it had on Earth, as to which gender reigned supreme: men or women. And, of course, it had started with Adam and Eve. Those two could NEVER agree on anything, and they had shaken one end of Paradise to the other arguing as to which one was the model for the superior member of the species. The angels were tired of hearing the exchanges, St. Peter wouldn't take sides, and even Jesus was left shaking his holy head at these two trading barbs over the topic. So, in the interest of harmonious coexistence, Christ suggested the two lovers take their disagreement in front of God himself to settle the debate once and for all. We are privileged enough to hear the outcome... Adam: "God, you KNOW you created men to be superior to women. We're stronger, smarter, and responsible for most of the physical and industrial advances over time!SHE'S made out of my RIB, for Pete's sake!" (Cry comes from the admissions desk from St. Peter to leave him out of this one.) Eve: "Oh, RIGHT. Give me a break, willya? Your ENTIRE point is based on your bone! Lord, we reproduce the species, we rear the children for the most part, we work, we're the better homemakers, decisionmakers, quiltmakers, lovemakers, we put up with MEN, and I've not YET seen one of 'em that can read a MAP or ask for directions when they forget to BRING the map!" Adam: "Blahaha! You can't use that against us! We INVENTED most of the modern methods that mortals use to travel down there!" Eve: "...and the pollution, and the traffic, and the stupidity that mortals use when they drink alcohol then drive." Adam: "Hey, women do it too! And I've not yet seen one of you strong enough or smart enough to figure out a way to get into professional men's sports!" Eve: "Oh, let me get in line to scratch my nuts and spit and grunt every time I turn around. I wanna be a steroid-juiced, overpaid icon just like THEM!" Adam: "VERY FUNNY. You're just jealous because you don't have any nuts to SCRATCH!" Eve: "Honey, if I wanted to get me some nuts, all I have to do is find ANY man and say 'Hello'. That's about as challenging as counting the one brain cell you have left." Adam: "Oh, you think so? And at least I don't have to mop up my reproductive system every month with a RAG!" Eve: "Well, at least we have enough blood left to keep our BRAINS alive! There's only enough in YOUR bodies to run one head at once! Must be a tough decision: Oxygen or chicks? Which do YOU think wins?" Adam: "Oh, you think so, huh?" Eve: "You bet I do! What are you gonna do about it?" Adam: "Why, you...! I oughta..." The Lord had heard and seen enough. His voice boomed from the throne: "This debate shall be settled once and for all with a test of wits. Each of you were created in My image, but for different purposes and with unique abilities and roles in the grand scheme. Since both of you have valid arguments as to the superiority of the other, the one area that your physical and emotional capabilities do not affect is your ingenuity and decision-making ability. That is the arena in which your disagreement shall be settled. So sayeth the Lord, so shall it be." Adam and Eve nodded their agreement, and the Lord's voice again boomed: "Your challenge is this: Each of you are tasked with a method of simulating the Armageddon. You must choose either to represent the immovable object or the unstoppable force. To achieve your goal, you must search Creation for the most powerful force you can assemble. You have your choice of any manner or means known to achieve your objective. Whomever wins this challenge shall be appointed as the superior of the sexes. Is this agreeable to each of you?" The two combatants nodded their agreement once more, and sneered at one another in defiance. Adam asked the Lord "How do we decide which of us chooses our respective side?" No sooner had he asked this question than a golden coin appeared, hovering in the air, with one side marked with the letters "IO" and the other "UF". The Lord then instructed St. Peter to appear between the two and flip the coin. St. Peter asked the Lord "Which of them gets to call it in the air?" The Lord replied "Since Eve was second in line of existence, she is given the choice of first call." Adam protested a bit, but both the Lord and St. Peter gave him a knowing look and he relented. As Peter flipped the coin, Eve cried out "UF" and as it landed in the St's hand, sure enough the side marked "UF" was showing. Eve couldn't contain her excitement at winning the toss, and admonished Adam to start his assemblage. On her exhortation, Adam smiled and snapped his fingers, disappearing in a shower of light. What seemed an eternity passed, and at last Adam returned with an army of the greatest and most influential minds and wills humanity had ever known: Einstein, da Vinci, Socrates, Johannes Gutenberg, Genghis Khan, Napoleon and Plato, but to name a few. With this massive group of intellect and strategic genius behind him, Adam smiled broadly and looked at Eve, saying "Top THIS!", waving his hand at the crowd of genius and power behind him. Eve nodded and said "Pretty fair horde you got there, Adam." But then her appreciative look turned to one of disdain, and she busted out laughing. Adam asked her what was so funny, and Eve merely shook her head and snapped her own fingers, disappearing in a shower of light. Within the equivalent of one minute, she had returned with her own battalion of power: A bunch of lawyers, freshly plucked from every gutter, ditch and hole in Hell. Adam's jaw dropped at the sight, and as he did, Eve turned to the Lord and smiled. Whereupon the Lord had no choice but to declare Eve the winner. |