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By Daniela Date: 2002 Nov 14 Comment on this Work [[2002.11.14.21.09.20104]] |
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Dear No Name, I'm confused again... Could it be that you have many names? Is cruelty playing mind games? Are the words "legit", and "connection" revenge, or coincidence? I think you said one word, if that was you puzzle man, not two. Every word is what I would like to hear -- so much that it's fishy. I'm calling quits. Say what you mean. "legit" seems to say what it really means. A "legit" "connection" contradicts. If you really mean the "connection" and legit was coincidence, or just impulsive fury, then I'm the happiest girl on earth. Are we having fun yet? Wouldn't you be confused? Please be real. Convince me. If you want, you'll be creative -- it only takes one word for me to know it's you and that will do. Or you may not want to. I don't know. Really I don't know anymore what to believe. We're even now then (isn't this how you felt when I messed everything up and said all those things I shouldn't have said?) I admit that you are smarter than me, greater than me, wiser, funnier, cooler, meaner, faster. I don't want to compete. I can just be me. And I have grown a lot thanks to you and our experiences... I realize that i was such an immature baby. Here are some of the weird things that could be coincidence and freaked me: There was a phone call with a funny accent in the Summer -- was that you? It's not convincing if you change your voice. Then there was postcard of a show called "blood", did you send that? There are hang up calls at work -- still. Maybe that's another admirer and not you. And then finally, "green" on your wall... hmmmmm..... o.k. I don't want to land in a roller coaster state of paranoid neurosis. I prefer to keep my Buddahood. Put yourself in my shoes. What am I suppossed to believe? At one time I even thought of talking to you face to face, person to person, about everything that happened -- but what words would I say? So, I stormed your office like a mad woman. I'm sorry. Maybe I just felt rejected and I was a baby about it. I am VERY IMPERFECT. Sorry sounds so flaky, so I never said it. I am really sorry for all the trouble I caused you. I pray to GD that it wasn't in vain and something positive comes from it, or has come from it. Oh, another incident: a woman by the name of "Lilia" landed in my office, barely spoke English, and was lost. She was suppossed to be at an interview on 34th Street, and some how ended up on the 4th floor of my office 12 blocks up? It doesn't make sense to me, unless life was playing games again. It's annoying when I sit and try to figure it all out. Maybe I just want to leave it to rest now. Leave it be. A new beginning is the only way. I can't bother with the fear that you think I am corny because I am being open and honest. I am not looking to impress you here. I know that I'm corny. So. A little more real in convincing me that No Name has a name would be great. Until then, I give you the prize for mastermind. If it must be silence that's fine with me. I'll opt to agree. Maybe friendship is hopeful thinking on my part. I'm sorry if you ever felt I was playing mind games, that's not what I meant it to be. I went through a very difficult, confusing and overwhelming time before. Looking at a stranger who feels like you've known forever and seeing yourself in his eyes is difficult, confusing and overwhelming. Oh, I meant to tell you. Although Maya could refer to illusion, it really is my younger half sisters name. If I see you and keep walking, or just stop and freeze, it's not to insult you but I'm just not convinced yet that the "connection" is what you meant because then there was the "legit" statement which might not be yours... and again, I'm puzzled. I don't know what to believe. To know that you're happy, or progressively happier, is enough satisfaction for me. I'm thinking out loud here don't mind me, but maybe our health depends on a mutual distance? I think that we're so much alike in such different ways that it scares me. And maybe if I didn't say and do all the wrong things and wait we would annoy each other and dislike each other because it doesn't seem like either one of us has been willing, ready or able. And then you say you didn't want anything: so i feel guilty for intruding into your life. You must really hate me. Maybe I'm the only one that wanted you and sabotaged the whole thing to avoid any possible rejection in the deep subconscious enclaves of my mind? Insecurity, truth, stupidity? I don't know. Maybe it's better not to know. I don't know. But it's good that I'm writing it all out. Could it be that we're scared of each other? I usto get that vibe often. And what were you trying to say when you just sat there and stared at me? I swear you looked like you hated me. And if you really do, or did, i'm sorry to have created that unpleasant feeling inside of you. And then I felt helpless. It's like two anti-virus programs running on the same computer so that neither was able to work and it screwed everything up. It caused a "freeze". I would just always feel frozen in your presence. Frozen. And then, pissed at your passive non-responsive behavior (although you probably had no choice and behaved 100% correctly. i'm the one that's wrong technically speaking). The flesh and bone of us always seems shocking to me even if it's in passing. And then I would feel that you think it's all so funny while I was really really suffering. I'm sure you're not that mean, but still... remember when I walked in Chinatown... i didn't even see you at first... until you were a block or two ahead... and you were with witch girl... i don't know why you had to create such a scene. All I could think was, "this is mean". So, thank you for giving me my heart back. If it was ever about winning for you, you win. Until you successfully say what you mean with a convincing name, You remain a red knight. Peace. P.s. Not spell checked. |