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By Chances are Date: 2002 Dec 12 Comment on this Work [[2002.12.12.06.54.14045]] |
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Oh yeah Like I want to go there, right now I'm taking notes I'm watching I'm learning I'm finding out what I never had for the five fucking years we have been married What he never had the balls to give me before Since I first scared him off by telling him that if he wasn't interested in being there for me and the baby, I could do it without him. Four years ago. Or at least that's his excuse. When he first started on the Internet. Since then I've been incommunicando, a pretty wife with a lovely child. Who he can put on great displays of affection in public with. Pah! That's excuse one. His excuse for this two: the fact that I've always been (till this year) honest with him about any guy that I've even looked sideways at. His wish. And no, I haven't slept around. But you get that. Too bad. And he's so jealous.... Never mind that he lost his job proper a month after the child was born and never went back to one until now, just has a hobby business which helps pay some bills. Since I ached my heart out while he continued to ignore us both until I went back to work and then who knows? But the child has grown up well and is well loved by her father, family and friends. Since I told him that finally he's stopped being a boy and he can start to try and be a man. And I'm watching to find out how well it all goes. I don't expect much. What I might be missing if I'm leaving. And I don't know. Because I've been with him since I was 18, when my mum passed away. Yeah, I know, I'm an emotional cripple. Does that mean I'm not allowed to have any nice emotions? To make my heart believe that now all the bullshit is out of the way it can't have a chance? That now he needs someone to talk to because FINALLY he can't find that on the Internet anymore? That I can FINALLY stop my committed silence because I'm allowed to have some emotions because there's someone to share them with, and not just the mess of a marriage life, baby, house keeping, etc. that I have to bother him with every time he's on the computer??? Just maybe - now that he's deleted his pages, he's seen what can happen - even though she fucking visited US without him telling me the truth and is still having a relationship with his best friend, who is acting like everyone owes him something because he is having a relationship with this fucker, and who told me a month down the track, after me continually flipping out about something JUST NOT RIGHT, JUST SO WRONG - who happens to live downstairs in the granny flat... JUST MAYBE I CAN FINALLY HAVE A FAIR FUCKING CHANCE. Perhaps you think I owed you this much. Perhaps I did. Perhaps I owe him nothing. I know this. But perhaps I don't want to walk out the door without: a. Having given it all a fair go b. Letting him see what he's really losing - because our first six years (before pregnancy) were amazing c. Seeing who he really is now d. Know for sure what the hell it is I really want in this world. Which is why I keep writing and dreaming. e. Knowing what is right for the child I brought into this world. Maybe that's a broken family. Maybe. I dunno. Do I trust for her to be brought up by this man who just may be the biggest prick and leave best friend to look after her because he's running his business... Etc. Yeah, send me your tears. And no, I'm not going anywhere. I'm still here. |