Dear John,
End of the year, and I wanna dump you again;
when your Xmas gift came in a brown wrapper.
So watch yourself and that gal on Main,
come New Year's I may just slap her!
Sure she's cute and younger than me.
Barkeep says you order her scotch/wawa, ah water.
Beware those chicks that give it away for free.
I warned ya, why do I bother?
Neighbor says to get me some alcohol rub;
dunno whether to use it or drink it.
I've spent all night fuming here in the tub
to wash you outta my life, don't think it.
The trailer's out of balance, and so am I.
The TV's in pieces from your last dissection.
Tomorrow the rent's due, and I wanna cry.
I'll save it for the social worker's inspection.
Fool that I am, I'll listen for your snore,
hoping to find you on the couch later tonight.
Forgive me for figuring ways to even the score,
in a cold water soak, no electric, no light.
You used to be handsome when you had hair.
Your teeth were movie star shiny.
What DOES she see in you, why do I care?
True, beside me she probably looks tiny.
I've got one real special ace in the hole,
the check comes to me first of the year.
Merry Christmas, bubba, this nag raised a foal
that's sure to win some derby, ya hear!
I finally got my ride, and you sure got yours.
Listen to me, doubting Thomas, I'm right.
You're out scoring pigtails and happy hours,
hauling that bucktooth beauty to cock fights.
I'll give you one more last chance to come home.
Just trying to figure how when out of stamps.
I'm sure you'd call, IF we had a phone,
and you finally ran out of willing tramps.
One last "you better" and famous last chance,
I've told the neighbors and your mother.
Get you and pink Cadillac home from the dance,
or I'm moving in with your younger brother.
I know we swore to love, honor and obey
with that Cracker Jack ring you once found.
Where did we say you could go roll in the hay
with any young floozie that comes around?
It always comes to this every durned Christmas,
some stupid misery instead of merry;
your clothes decorating the lawn in a mess,
will it still be this bad when we marry?